Life

Heavy…

On a scale of 1 to 10, how big of an asshole have you been recently?  Me?  I’d say about 7 or 7.5.  I’ll let you tell me if that number is accurate after I lay out the situation for you.

(Be warned, it’s yet another post about Demande, so if you’re sick of hearing about this guy, you might want to stop here.)

Today Mamoru went to get his hair cut, so I went to meet Kunzite in the super touristy area which happened to be even more of a pain in the ass due to Golden Week.  Later today I was supposed to meet Mamoru at the 電気屋 because he has points to spend, but first he had to go pick up the car from his father.  Well that plan never came to fruition, but that’s not really relevant to the story, so enough of that.

Kunzite and I ate Indian food and then decided to walk to the coffee shop where Demande and I did work when we where working together (because I get nostalgic for it from time to time).  Rewind to 11:30AM, I was getting ready to meet Kunzite when Demande messaged me.  It was early for him but he was in a kind mood, so I sent him a couple messages.  We chatted back and forth, and then he fell silent.  Off I went to meet Kunzite.

While eating Indian food, Kunzite and I got on the subject of horoscopes.  Obviously, I’ve always been a believer in astrology (forever not just since Demande told me mine the Japanese way) and I’m always happy to meet a fellow subscriber to all things zodiac.  Because Kunzite is single and looking, I decided to pull up my digital copy of The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need.  (I don’t receive any royalties if you order this or not, but in case you’re interested.)  I read from his sign to find out which signs he was most compatible with.  He’s lucky enough to be compatible with 4 signs to my meager 3.  (Are you wondering if Mamoru and I are compatible in the zodiac?  I’m sure you’re shocked to find out we’re not.)  After that, we moved on to the coffee shop.  Still nothing from Demande.  While, we were in the coffee shop, word vomit (in text message form) came from Demande.  Basically, his cat is dying.  She has cancer.  Everything (his disappearance, his aloofness, his bad mood, the change in behavior, why he called himself selfish, the song on his profile), everything has been about the cat.  All this I get.  I understand completely.  I’ve had to say goodbye to a furry family member (the first dog I truly got to call mine).  If the situation was reversed, and it was Small Lady, I’d be a certified wreck.  I understand the pain and heartache and that it’s something you don’t get over quickly.  What I don’t understand is why he didn’t tell me this in the first place.  I never put forth a face that showed I didn’t care about animals or my friends.  He knows I have Small Lady.  He knows my friends mean the world to me.  The worst thing is that this past week I’ve been such a bitch to him.  I feel like such a shit person.  Kunzite says that no one is blameless in this situation and neither Demande nor I handled the things as best we could.  In short, Demande should have told me, and I shouldn’t have been a megabitch about his behavior.  What’s more is that Mercury has been in retrograde for the entire time Demande has been behaving strangely.  When Kunzite and I delved into this, we found that Mercury in retrograde affected Kunzite’s work (which is why he said that he hasn’t been making any work decisions lately), my relationships (as in things have been rough with Mamoru and my friendship with Demande had been rocky), and Demande’s communication (as in he could not communicate to me or anyone what was going on with his cat).  Don’t tell me astrology is bullshit.

Anyway, my heart is heavy.  I feel incredibly bad about how I treated Demande the past few days.  It’s been far too many text fights.  It’s been me calling him a bad friend both via text and on this blog.  However, no matter how hard I pressed him or how much I bugged him, he just wouldn’t tell me.  I wish he just would have told me from the start.  I would have behaved completely different.  In addition, I feel heavy that he’s losing a family member.  His Instagram is half him and half cat, so I know he cares about her greatly.  I wish he didn’t have to go through this.  I know it’s a hard fact of the animal lover life.  We unfortunately outlive them because they are already perfect creatures.

So there it is.  How big of an asshole would you say I’ve been?  7?  7.5?  I guess the good thing is that I know now the truth, and I can (from this point forward) handle the situation more delicately.  Man we are all imperfect people, aren’t we?  We’re all just doing this thing called life the best we can.  Sometimes we do it well and other times we do it poorly.

 

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5 thoughts on “Heavy…

  1. I’d say a 1. You know how hard it is to simply say – hey, my cat is dying and I’m having a hard time. Pretty fucking simple instead of just being an ongoing jerk. You are a lot nicer than I am because I wouldn’t tolerate his behavior no matter the excuse.

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    1. I hear ya. I guess I’m just a sucker for pain. Kidding aside I really do care about him and as far as Japanese characteristics go not facing things head on is definitely a big one. Not that that’s an excuse. I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t eager to say “never fucking talk to me again” before and even less so now. 😕

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      1. I very much understand the cultural aspect. I had Japanese friends when I lived in Germany. You’d ask them where they wanted to go and it would be “Where ever you want to.” Make a decision. Speak up. Have an opinion.

        So on the flip side though, your culture is not being respected. Shouldn’t you meet culturally in the middle? Why do you always have to be culturally sensitive to them but them not return the favor? And you should also not grade you as being a jerk. Our culture says your behavior is acceptable when someone behaves as they have. Respect goes BOTH ways.

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      2. You make a VERY GOOD point about culture. This has been imbedded in many a fight between Mamoru and I. I am supposed to understand, accept, and obey EVERYthing (even the stuff that makes no sense) about Japanese culture but he (and most Japanese people) flat out do not want to learn about another culture especially one so different from their own. Demande has lived abroad so I’d like to think he is a bit more culturally sensitive but in the end I think unless they leave Japan for a long time most Japanese people will always be so very Japanese. I’m not defending his behavior. I feel wounded by the situation and if it were me I would have simply said what was going on from the beginning and not put anyone through an emotional roller coaster like the one I’ve been on. I could live here the rest of my life and never understand everything about Japanese people. Sigh. You’re right of course but I tend to be an eternally forgiving person. Even if it means my heart is the one to get trampled on.

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