This weekend was ugly and messy. On the tails of Saturday’s fight, we thought we’d round out the weekend with yet another fight on Sunday. It was not good. Basically, I told Mamoru that I would be auditioning for a play and instead of being supportive he said: “Well I guess that means even longer to have a baby.” Sigh. We are on a fucking TTC break! Auditioning for a play doesn’t guarantee a part. It’s just a trial. (You know, I wanted to be an actress ages ago. In America, I was in a play. I still have fond memories of it. Apparently, Mamoru didn’t know this information. Nor did he much care to hear it either.) While Mamoru is very financially supportive he often sucks at being emotionally supportive. Nonetheless I canceled the audition. It feels so defeating to be so unsupported. The fight continued to evolve until Mamoru had a break about how much he hates his job and how stressed and overworked he is. I gave him the same suggestions I always do. Come home earlier. Don’t work at home so much. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I know he hears these suggestions. I can only hope he listens. Also, we got on a tangent of how can he take care of a baby? He wouldn’t do much of anything because he’s never be home. I would be doing everything. Basically a single mother. And I don’t want that at all.
After we calmed down I went to meet Kotono but not before doing a little therapeutic shopping at Gap Factory. Guys I fit into a size 8 pants! Holy moly! I about cried! What’s more the scale finally hit x9.8kg today! I finally made it to the next block of tens. Four more kg to go! I got this! Lately I feel so body confident. It’s such an amazing feeling!
Kotono and I had tea and smoothies yesterday, and I basically word vomited my entire infertility story all over her. I don’t know why I did that. However, she agrees with me that Mamoru needs to get his work shit together before he can take care of a family. He is of the mind that a baby can automatically fix all of our problems. That’s silly and selfish. Having a child will create new obstacles to overcome and surely new fights to have. How can I bring a child into the midst of chaos? I’m trying to be realistic here and he’s got his head in clouds. Sigh. What’s more is he’s still pushing IVF (which I’ve said time and again that I don’t want to do), and he’s conveniently forgotten that’s he had agreed to compromise with me on adoption. It seems like we can’t see eye to eye about anything where having a baby is concerned which is unsettling. The bottom line is while I have taken steps to make my life a happy one (gotten a job, made friends), he becomes more and more miserable with each passing day, and it’s all because of his job. I suggested he spend time with his friends. If they are too far for him to drag himself away from his work, then invite them to our house. He said they wouldn’t come. Of course, he said that without even ever asking them. It’s like he’s making excuses not to have any fun ever. This is a multifaceted problem with no simple answer. It’s also a problem that I don’t think can be solved quickly.
So here we are still sitting on that plateau. We both want to get off it but Mamoru wants the easy way out for him which would not be the easy way out for me (nor is it the way I want to fix things). I don’t know what to do.
(On a completely random and hilarious side note which has nothing to do with any of the above apparently someone found my blog by typing the words “fuck Japan” into a search engine. It’s funny because while I do say “fuck” a lot, I’ve never said “fuck Japan” because I love this fucking country. Additionally, when I did the same search all I got were porn sites. 😂 So kudos to you master of Google!)