This morning I went to yoga. It was challenging but Kotono and Kunzite were to my right and to my left and gave me so much positive energy. The only thing missing was the lovely Michiru who had a work function to attend. Afterwards we went to eat Indian food. It was a good day. I mean except that I started my period this morning, and I forgot to take Advil. After that I planned to meet Mamoru at this wine and cheese shop recommended by my coworker. I was on my bicycle and checked the map which said it was about 7 minutes away (damn this city is small), so I messaged Mamoru while I was still eating lunch and told him to go ahead and leave thinking that we’d end up there at the same time. We didn’t. When I messaged him saying I was at the cheese shop, he said he had only just arrived at the station near our house. I was pissed. He was like “just buy the cheese if you don’t wanna wait.” I was like that’s dumb. Why would he even go there then? So I waited for him for a while, maybe 30 minutes. I don’t know. All I knew was that I did yoga all morning, rode my bike a lot, and am on my damn period, so I felt head to toe yuck. When he arrived, we got our cheese, then I pedaled home. On the way I had to stop and buy some things for dinner and breakfast. One of the stores I had to go to was ドンキ which is a literal shit show with my entire neighborhood plus all the surrounding neighborhoods there on weekends. When I finally got home, I was exhausted and crabby. Mamoru helped with the groceries and then proceeded to make a joke about giving me money. I was annoyed and then while I was putting the eggs away one spilled out and broke in the fridge. It was the figurative straw, and I just started crying and yelling at Mamoru for being an insensitive ass. I pointed out that he treats me very differently when I come home compared to the way I treat him when he comes home. We had an ugly screaming fight. Two steps forward, two steps back. We never move anywhere. We’re stuck in marriage limbo.
The fight ended with him locking himself in his office and me…well I ran away. Temporarily obviously. I have to go back there because Small Lady is there and if I left for real she’d go with me. I’m not saying I’m leaving for real or that I would ever do such a thing. Things are just emotionally exhausting right now though. I went to the place where Demande and I used work. I’m still here now. This place (I mean it’s just a place) makes me feel happy as it has such good memories tied to it. Some of my favorite Demande memories happened in this place. Speaking of Demande he finally messaged me before I left the house coincidentally to go to our place. He spoke to me for only a short time before the messages stopped. Basically he’s not okay, and my heart hurts to hear this. I offered to help. I invited him out. I invited him here. He’s not messaged me back. Friend of the Fucking Year Award (not an actual award) for me. Not that that was what I was going for. Shit I just want him to be happy again. I want everyone to be happy again. I was texting Michiru, and I was lamenting that I can’t fix anything these days which sucks because I’m a fixer. I can’t fix Mamoru’s work woes, I can’t fix Demande’s aching sadness, I can’t fix myself. I can’t fix anyone or anything.
Kill me. They are playing a 70s mix here and the song on now is “Lovely Day” by Bill Withers. It’s one of my favorite songs, and I chose that song for our wedding as we walked down the aisle for the first time as husband and wife. I had to fight back the tears that started to well up. Why can’t I be happy in this city? It’s not for lack of trying. Am I trying too hard? Is that even a thing? Can one try too hard to be happy?
This place has almost emptied. I have no idea when they close. I assume some time around 9 as Demande and I worked here that late once. I don’t know how long I’ll stay out. I may just go walk around the touristy area after this. Are the Free Hug guys there? I could used a fucking free hug. I don’t have anything else to say. Life is messy. Marriage is messy. My brain is messy.