It’s been kind of quiet on here. Forgive me for that. It’s a combination of being busy and overwhelmed and generally exhausted.
Also, things have been bad (really bad) and good mixed together.
Bad. First Demande canceled our meeting for Friday, and I was so bummed about it (both for losing the money and his company) that I walked home which took about an hour. I spent my Friday night alone and penniless.
Good. On Saturday Mamoru had to go to Tokyo on business, so I planned a beach day with Kotono and Kunzite. Everything was wonderful. The food was fantastic. The company was wonderful. And the eye candy was delightful as we were privy to some lifeguard training. Otherwise the beach was relatively empty due to it being too early in the season (the water was quite cold). After, Kotono and I made plans to drink at an Irish pub because she didn’t drink at the beach as she was driving. Once home I showered and we had to push our meeting time back because the trains are so infrequent here and I kept missing them.
(Note: Here’s where it gets really bad.)
After I parked my bike, I was jogging to try to make the train when I saw something flopping (like a fish out of water) in the road. It looked like a crow because it was small and black. It flopped and flopped closer to the side of the road and as I moved closer to it I must have said “no” a thousand times because I noticed that it wasn’t a bird but a kitten. It probably got hit by a car as there were streams of blood which started a little more toward the middle of the road. It was too late, and there was nothing I could do, only watch it die. I was so shook that I decided it would be best to drink a lot and forget about it. Only I didn’t drink enough last night and didn’t have much fun at all because old men kept trying to hit on me. When I walked back to my bike, the kitten was still there, still dead on the side of the road. I hurried home and hugged Small Lady for a long time while sobbing.
In the morning I went to yoga but I felt ill from drinking and the general ick of last night. I can’t get that image out of my head. I’ve never seen an animal die like that, and I hope to the PTB I never see anything like that again. I think as long as I live I’ll be able to forget that as much as I really want to. I also kept thinking “why did I have to see that?” If I had made the train I was intending to make, I would have missed that event. I would have never seen it happen. Ignorant of its existence in the world. Why did I forget my headphones? Why did I need to go back for them? I can’t imagine for what reason would it be necessary for me to see something so horrible.
So now I’m laying in bed. About to have a nap because I feel just awful. Physically I feel bad, and this fucked me up mentally too. I couldn’t even type this up without crying again. I hope to pass out for a while and forget that this ever happened.