I don’t expect a lot of sympathy or supportive words here. My blog views have dwindled considerably. I don’t know if that’s due to posting less (due to shit keeping me so busy over here or due to me commenting less on other people’s blogs). Either way I’m feeling a lack of support here (and I acknowledge that it may be my own fault).
Anyway I had a couple of different kinds of breakdowns this morning. The scale had been holding at around 68.7kg (average) and hadn’t jumped back up to 69kg. I was feeling good about this because it took me WEEKS to get away from 69kg. This morning I couldn’t get the scale off 69.3kg (despite it being 68.8kg just yesterday). So first I had a cry about it. Looking at my protruding belly in the mirror and generally hating it with a passion while crying big gulping tears. Then I had an angry reaction to it. I hit the wall while screaming WTF. Neither of these reactions caused any more tenths of a kilogram to fall off, so I eventually gave up and had brunch.
I’m assuming this is a mental health issue and not the fact that I can’t lose weight. I hope I CAN continue to lose weight. I want to build muscle, but I have to get this fat off first. I sometimes feel like I’ll never get to that point. And I know, I fucking know weight loss takes patience. However, I am having none of that today. We are always our own worst enemy, isn’t that right? (And if someone doesn’t believe that, then I challenge them to try to lose weight and see how much they hate themselves for it.) Also, I talked about self rewards before and how I am shit at them. I don’t know what to do to reward myself. I can’t eat a bowl of ice cream or sweets. I don’t wanna buy too many clothes (nor do I have the money to). How can I self reward? I’d appreciate any suggestions.
And that’s all I can post today. I exhausted myself breaking down this morning and I still have a Japanese lesson (which I didn’t do my homework for) and a freelance client meeting later today. Neither one I feel like going to now. However, I have to. I have to do it. Just like I have to lose these last few kilograms.