Life · Mental Health · Weight Loss

Not a good morning…

I don’t expect a lot of sympathy or supportive words here.  My blog views have dwindled considerably.  I don’t know if that’s due to posting less (due to shit keeping me so busy over here or due to me commenting less on other people’s blogs).  Either way I’m feeling a lack of support here (and I acknowledge that it may be my own fault).

Anyway I had a couple of different kinds of breakdowns this morning.  The scale had been holding at around 68.7kg (average) and hadn’t jumped back up to 69kg.  I was feeling good about this because it took me WEEKS to get away from 69kg.  This morning I couldn’t get the scale off 69.3kg (despite it being 68.8kg just yesterday).  So first I had a cry about it.  Looking at my protruding belly in the mirror and generally hating it with a passion while crying big gulping tears.  Then I had an angry reaction to it.  I hit the wall while screaming WTF.  Neither of these reactions caused any more tenths of a kilogram to fall off, so I eventually gave up and had brunch.

I’m assuming this is a mental health issue and not the fact that I can’t lose weight.  I hope I CAN continue to lose weight.  I want to build muscle, but I have to get this fat off first.  I sometimes feel like I’ll never get to that point.  And I know, I fucking know weight loss takes patience.  However, I am having none of that today.  We are always our own worst enemy, isn’t that right?  (And if someone doesn’t believe that, then I challenge them to try to lose weight and see how much they hate themselves for it.)  Also, I talked about self rewards before and how I am shit at them.  I don’t know what to do to reward myself.  I can’t eat a bowl of ice cream or sweets.  I don’t wanna buy too many clothes (nor do I have the money to).  How can I self reward?  I’d appreciate any suggestions.

And that’s all I can post today.  I exhausted myself breaking down this morning and I still have a Japanese lesson (which I didn’t do my homework for) and a freelance client meeting later today.  Neither one I feel like going to now.  However, I have to.  I have to do it.  Just like I have to lose these last few kilograms.

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8 thoughts on “Not a good morning…

  1. I never posted here before, but I was reading your blog for a while now and I just wanted to say it aloud that I totally understand and support you. Well, I am not really trying to lose weight nor anything else, but I have my own situations which make me hate myself as well.
    As for the reward for yourself, hey, go shopping! Buy yourself something so pretty that people would look at you on a street thinking how beautiful you look. Or go to spa/massage place and relax 100%. O maybe a small trip to nature, only you and your favourite music and amazing view on nature?

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    1. I like feeling like a princess, so giving myself a pause outdoors to make a flower crown is a favorite activity that feels like a luxury, and even a reward. Five minutes of lying flat in my back, arms and legs spread out like a star, stretching and being goofy. One whole minute of smiling and making happy, silly faces at myself in the mirror, enjoying the beauty in my joy and delight at the activity. Putting on a song that makes me really rock out, and going full at it, with all my heart, while no one’s around to break my groove. Dressing up fancy. Dressing up fancy, and going to do something utterly normal, like walking around the mall, or hanging at a coffee shop (coffee shop does cost a bit of money, though). Playing with my hair to do something new or crazy with it (and not necessarily to go out, but just for me at home). Practicing cartwheels and/or handstands. Spending time at the park to read. Spending time at all during the day to read. Spending time to do some art/something artsy. Making/Writing a card/post card to send to a friend. Giving myself a gold star (either homemade or stickers from the store [again, costs a bit of money, though]). Go for a happy bike ride. Play in the park (either frisbee with a friend, or on the play-sets by myself). Fresh fruit (though money, again). Make a phone call to a good friend to chat a while. Play with my cat/dog. Write!

      Just some ideas that came to mind on the train just now, as things that I love to do to reward myself for whatever I have accomplished, without spending money (or much)!

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  2. I agree with Confuzzled Bev on all fronts – don’t beat yourself up for it and I’d blame lack of readership on summer! I’m hiding in my office this morning trying to get caught up on my blog reading.

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  3. Hmm… for self-rewards I’m wondering what things you like. Do you like smoothies? You could buy one at a conbini. Or what about buying a bath bomb from Lush and rewarding yourself with an expensive soak? Or pay for a foot massage? Or get your toe nails done?

    I’ve also noticed the blog view thing. It goes up and down. I think it’ll go back up eventually when people start searching for certain terms again.

    You’ve come so far on the weight loss. My dad is also trying to lose weight and he knows your pain. He’s stuck on a certain weight and can’t seem to get better. Initially he was going down fast and then it just go stuck.

    :/

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  4. You will do it. Don’t beat yourself up over one day – it was probably a fluke.

    I can’t speak for anyone else, but I haven’t visited your blog for a while because I’ve barely even had time for my own blog! So busy.

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