Japan · Life · Mental Health · Weight Loss

Low…

I’m currently in the midst of a huge low caused by depression and anxiety but mostly anxiety.  So today when I left to meet a freelance client this morning it wasn’t raining.  After our meeting it still wasn’t raining.  I decided to ride my bike to Company H as per usual.  Less than halfway there it started to rain and the more I rode the heavier the rain got.  Just a little under halfway, I gave up, found the nearest station, parked my bike and then got on the train.  Half of my clothes were soaked.  They never did completely dry.

After work, I decided to go shopping for a yukata (a cotton summer kimono) because fuck I’ve been here 5 years and I’ve never owned one and we’re having a sort of party at Company H for 七夕 (The Star Festival) on Friday so I figured this was a good excuse to buy one.  Well yukata shopping is fucking stressful.  I started to have anxiety as soon as saw the prices.  Uniqlo had cheap yukatas but ugly ones.  Mamoru got involved and found a used yukata shop (and he said he called ahead about me which made me not even want to go there).  I headed over there but not before going to the wrong building.  Once there I found some nice and not so expensive yukata sans obi.  However, I waited around for more than 20 minutes all the while being ignored by the salesladies.  Finally after doing the math I figured it would be cheaper to buy a prepackaged set.  I headed to the place in the shopping mall which had the best price for a set and asked about the size.  The saleslady said it was a free size but then proceeded to drag me over to the LL to 3L sized yukatas.  I told her that those were too fucking big and I told her that in local dialect too.  This stung particularly hard because even though I’ve lost 13kg, even though I am pretty proud of that, even though I am working fucking hard at losing weight, there will still be some Japanese people who will always see me as a fucking fat Western chick.  They will probably still think that way no matter how much weight I lose.  This is why I loathed shopping for so long.  This is why I have never been particularly fond of shopping in Japan in general.  This is a damn tragedy because I love shopping, but Japan makes me hate it sometimes.

Also, I’m mad at Mamoru because I told him about how shitty my day was, and he didn’t even say anything about it.  Sure he offered to help but the way he did it was super embarrassing.  Sigh.  Nothing went right today.  I feel so slapped around by life today.  I just can’t seem to squeeze out any tears.  I feel so numb.

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