Life · Mental Health · Weight Loss

Fantasies…

I wish I were so beautiful that everyone adored me.  One look at me and people would be dying to come talk to me.  They would ask about my interests.  They would be hell bent on finding something in common with me (even the tiniest of things) to stay in my presence longer as those who bored me would be instantly dismissed.  I would have as many friends as contacts could fit in my phone.  I would never be without the best company.  And when I wanted silence I would retreat to my home and no one would bother me unless I wanted them to.  And if I did they’d give me their full attention.  In my fantasy, my husband or boyfriend or lover would worship me as a goddess and the sex would be exactly as I liked it yet both of us would be satisfied.  His desire to please me would be reciprocated by my desire to please him.  Every moment of the sex would be full of passion.  Every person I allowed in my presence would be full of passion (if not about everything about the thing they loved most).  In my dreams I am the object of everyone’s interest and affection.  Not sexually mind you but people would want to be around me.  They’d find me unique and interesting.  They’d find me charming and funny.  I am the star of my story.

Unfortunately, this is not my reality.  I receive attention but never from those I want.  Sex is so infrequent, I wonder if I just married a friend.  Yesterday, Gurio didn’t show up for our freelance meeting (with no message as to why), so I spent the evening saying farewell to Shingo.  Today was the quietest of days.  I mulled around the house all day but mostly I lied in bed and watched TV.  One episode was about the loss of a baby, and so I cried.  I received a couple messages from Yuichiro (mostly talking about Shingo, band practice, and how much I’ve hated my birthday), a message from Rei (about karaoke), and a couple messages from Kotono (about yoga).  No messages talking about how I am the greatest of the greats which is why I know the above is only a pipe dream.

In other news I’ve hit “normal” BMI finally.

Screen Shot 2017-08-09 at 9.24.34 PM.jpg

This calculator is from this site if you’re interested.  My weight hit 65.8kg yesterday which equals 145 pounds.  As you can see, I’m at the very top of normal BMI range.  65kg was my first goal weight, so I was happy and surprised to see the scale yesterday morning.

Depression continues.  Random bouts of tears continue.  Life moves forward but crawls at a snail’s pace.  Summer is an awful time.  I can’t wait for it to be over.  I’ll welcome the leaves changing colors and hopefully bringing about other changes, positive ones.  Stay strong out there.

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