Adoption · Life

On babies and happiness…

Mamoru has lost his ever lovin’ mind.  We had a long talk today which came on the heels of a weekend full of fights.  In our (civil) talk, he said he thought our relationship had gotten worse, we fight all the time, he’s unhappy in life, he has no friends or hobbies.  He said all of this.  Then he thought it would be a great idea to culminate the discussion by asking me if I was ready to have a baby yet.  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.  Yeah sure, all of that sounds like a fucking great situation to drop a baby in the middle of.  I reminded him that the doctor told me I’d have difficulty getting pregnant.  I reminded him that I would not be doing IVF.  I reminded him that I wanted to adopt, and he didn’t.  I reminded him that we can’t even find any common ground on the means to have a baby.  I told him a baby is not a magic wand and can’t fix all our problems.  He literally thought it could.  I reminded him that the bulk of raising this child would fall on me with no help from anyone at all especially not him.  All of these things to me scream let’s not have a baby right now.  I was shocked.  Shocked.  That he thought this was a good time to bring it up.  Also, this was after he said that he gave up trying to have sex with me (and masturbates all the time) because I reject him all the time.  His advances for sex are childish and not at all romantic, so I assume he’s just joking around and not actually wanting to have sex.  “That’s just me,” he said.  I begged him to be more romantic.  He said his famous catchphrase: “I’ll try to.”  Dear god help me.  Sigh.  Heavy sigh.

During our talk I told him he needs to find some joy in his life.  He needs to do something or find something that brings him happiness (like what music does for me).  He can’t expect to spread happiness if he himself is miserable all the time.  How on earth could he give any happiness to a child?  He said that we’re running out of time (to have a baby).  Then we run out of time.  So what?  It wouldn’t be the worst thing that’s ever happened.  Perhaps we’ve not had a baby yet because the PTB are telling us that it’s not in the cards for us.  Two years ago that would have devastated me.  Now I think it wouldn’t be the end of the world.  On the flip side it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did accidentally get pregnant, but it would be difficult as fuck.

I don’t even know you guys.  Things are strange and hard, and I often wonder if they will ever get better.  I mean I hope they will.  Sigh.  What’s next on this ride we call life?

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