Despite a nagging want to talk to him all day, I’ve not contacted Yuichiro at all. He’s looked at my Instagram stories as per usual but made no attempt to contact me today. On Wednesday he said he’d turned off his Instagram notifications. It’s suspicious at best, and I can think of two reasons he may have done so. (Instagram is the platform we use to talk to each other and send videos back and forth.) One: he doesn’t want to be bothered by my messages, or two: he doesn’t want his weird girlfriend to see he’s got messages all the time on Instagram. I suspect it’s more the former as we’ve been sending messages to each other since, oh I don’t even know, May or June. I’m super bothered by Yuichiro’s behavior lately. He’s been aloof and uninterested in the things I say or even my very presence at his shows.
As much as I’d like to reciprocate this aloofness, Yuichiro forever remains at the back of my mind because he’s the one who introduced me to this city’s music scene which coincidentally brought me unfathomable happiness (not to mention he knows everyone in it). When I heard his voice come up on my iPod today I was overwhelmed with sadness. I don’t want to fade into oblivion like an aging musician. I think that summer had to end eventually, and the end of summer fall breezes blew Shingo back home and blew Yuichiro away from me. If I’m trying to be positive (Yuichiro who’s an absolute baby in the world says I’m too negative all the time), I can say I’m blissfully happy for the music he stuck in my heart and even more so for the unexpected friendship that developed with Mimi. Those two things will always be as dear to me as the friendship I have (had?) with Yuichiro.
Perhaps all these thoughts are from the ugly face of depression which is always staring me in the mirror. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be happy and at peace. Maybe one day I will be.