Life · Mental Health · Music

On faux pas, the sofa, resistance, and happy days…

My back is killing me and I have diaper rash.  It’s from wearing a pad and riding my bicycle.  Yeah, file that under shit they don’t tell you.  You can get diaper rash from wearing a pad during your period.  All thanks to being a girl.

Today I made the ultimate fuck up.  Earlier this week I bought tickets to a reggae festival in a nearby city.  I was all ready to go to the festival this morning (as in about to walk out the door) when I checked the tickets.  They were for tomorrow.  Not today as Rei and I had planned.  No problem right?  Wrong.  Mamoru and I were invited to a Canadian Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.  First, I called Rei.  I knew she’d be fine.  She had already told me she had no plans for tomorrow.  Then I contacted the girl who invited us and explained the situation.  She thought it was funny and wasn’t mad, but I felt horrible.  Bless those Canadian people and their endless kindness.  Mamoru and I decided to spend some time together today.  We had lunch at a buffet, and then I cooked a bunch of food for dinner.  He’s got a test coming up, so he’s in study mode.  He didn’t sleep in the bed at all this week.  In fact, one night I saw him set up the sofa for bed.  I asked if he was sleeping there and he said “just in case” which of course meant he was.  I’m sure I mentioned many times before that I gave up the sofa argument long ago.  He can live out there for all I care.

In other news, I posted about 11 hilarious videos of me cooking on my Instagram story.  Yuichiro watched every single one.  No messages but he’s still watching my stories.  I don’t get that kid at all.  (You can read this if you missed recent events involving Yuichiro.)  It’s taken every ounce of willpower I have not to send him messages.  I figure I have the patience of a saint if I can lose a fuck ton of weight by resisting delicious carbs, so I should be able to resist sending him a message.  I miss talking to him though.  Aside from Rei (and obviously Mamoru), he was the only other person I talked to every day.  How do I fill that hole now?  What do I do?  Moreover, what the fuck is he doing?

What happened this morning and what’s happening with Yuichiro has been hard for my mental health.  I’m trying so hard not to fall into a funk again (as I’ve been doing okay since the time before last that Demande tried to pop back into my life).  Perhaps add his recent birthday abandonment to the blows my mental health has taken lately.  I don’t want to be a zombie roaming around just simply trying to feed myself.  Some days though slapping on a smile takes everything I have and as soon as I’m alone, that smile is gone.  Today was a difficult day.

Things are hard.  Finding joy is hard.  At least tomorrow I’ll be in the music and with Rei and both those things bring me joy.  I’ll try not to think of Yuichiro either.  Here’s to happy days.

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