Life · Mental Health · Music

When do you stop…

I’m having a bit of a dilemma.  I’d like your honest opinion.  I’ll pose the question first and then write a series of anecdotes, so you can skip them if you want.

When do you stop inviting people to do things with you?  How many times do you ask them (and they decline) before you stop asking altogether?

Does everyone have SAD right now?  I know.  The weather sucks.  It’s been raining for about 2 weeks straight and just started again tonight.  I’m sick of it.  Rei is sick of it.  We are all sick of it.  So far it’s not prevented Rei and I from doing things.  We’re going to live shows (sometimes I’m going to live shows alone), we’re going to restaurants, we’re going to karaoke.  We’re doing things.  It’s not even the coldest month yet.  It’s just going to get worse in Japan.

Yuichiro: I won’t rehash this again.  I’m sure you know what’s going on with Yuichiro and if not you can read about it here or here or here or here.

Kunzite: Kunzite was the first to start this trend of can’t do it.  At the last minute he said he couldn’t come to a CAH party I was having after already having RSVP’d yes.  Before that he balked on karaoke and a live show both after saying he could go.  I invited him to a restaurant recently.  He said he couldn’t go.

Kotono: Kotono was next and it took forever to get a straight answer from her.  I invited her to a live show.  She couldn’t come.  Again.  She couldn’t come.  Finally, she said even though she loves music, the shows were too expensive (and this is fair as they can be costly after time but what annoyed me most was that she kept avoiding just simply telling me this).  Recently, I invited her to karaoke.  She said she was too tired.  Then I invited her to a restaurant.  She had other plans.

I’ve been trying to plan a day out for Rei, Kotono, Kunzite and me.  Our schedules conflict so much that we had to find a day in December where we were all free.  Kotono hadn’t responded to any of the messages I sent.  Finally she said, “I’m very very sorry but I’m not available and able to join you guys.  Please do not worry about me and enjoy.”  If that’s not the weirdest fucking message ever.  Does that mean on that day?  Or does it mean she can’t join us any of the days?  And BTW telling someone not to worry about them is the absolute best reason to worry about them.

Two other minor friendships have kind of fizzled because of people pulling this shit.

Michiru: She blew me off for karaoke and for a party.  She’s always busy and can never seem to do anything.  I stopped inviting her to do things.

Karaoke Guy: KG is a guy I met at karaoke (obvi).  He saw on Instagram that I went to a live show so he messaged me saying he wanted to go to a live show with me.  Great!  I invited him to one.  He blew me off.  A second and a third.  Same outcome.  He never once went to a show with me.  I stopped inviting him after that.

Are people here just flaky as fuck or what?  Come to think of it, I had to go through a number of friendships like this is my last city to find the core group I had the last year (or so) before I left.  Perhaps the same thing is happening here.  I’ve already written off Demande.  (If you find out later that I haven’t, please slap me in the face.)  Should I write off others?  I hate hate hate one-sided friendships.  I feel like that’s happening a lot these days.  I’m inviting everyone to do things (and not just live shows) but no one is coming (besides Rei) or inviting me to do things.  It’s bullshit.

Also, since I have anxiety that never seems to shut the fuck up I can’t help but constantly think:

  • “Is it me?”
  • “Did I do something wrong?”
  • “Did I anger someone somehow?”

These questions plague me as I write this.

So I again pose my earlier question.  I’d appreciate some honest answers.

When do you stop inviting people to do things with you?  How many times do you ask them (and they decline) before you stop asking altogether?

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9 thoughts on “When do you stop…

  1. I hate, HATE flakiness in people. You can find this really awesome person to be around (when they show up) and then they start flaking.

    Canceling a lot because stuff comes up may not be flaking. (For example, I once had to cancel three times in a row and the person I cancelled on had to do so twice before we finally met up. It was either bad weather, illness, or fertility clinic visits). It was just bad luck. But we always made sure when we cancelled to try and suggest a date to reschedule. Flakes in my opinion don’t do that. They cancel and don’t try to reschedule. Heck, you’re lucky if they sincerely apologize for baling.

    These days if I sense flakiness I back off fast from that person. (Again, it’s mostly when they cancel but don’t suggest a reschedule date and don’t give any clear answer on if they want to meet again.)

    If I promise I will meet someone I will 90% of the time do my best to follow through on my word. However, if I think that it might be a really hard promise to keep I’ll be honest that those dates just won’t work.

    I hate the times when I’ve had to cancel or couldn’t commit to do something. I hate when I feel like I’m being flaky. Sometime’s it can’t be helped.

    In regards to your question, I think most people are flaky as hell these days. I’ve noticed it since my college years. I blame this “too many options” mentality. People get afraid of committing to Option A when they think Option B could be cooler. They’re afraid of

    People treat others time like its a doormat for them to scrape the mud off their boots on. My best advice is stop chasing these flakes.

    It sucks because some of them can be really fun in person, but chasing them just makes things worse. Walk away for a while and see if they come back on their own. If they do, then maybe they are worth keep around.

    Just my two cents.

    Or invest in a can of “Flake-Be-Gone”.

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    1. For the 1st time I would take it as coincidental maybe our plans clash. Second time I would give the benefit of doubt? but feel sucks. I would hesitate asking the 3rd time round….so, I would probably stop at 2. Some people are just not worth your time….they can go live their lives pretending to be busy….

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Yeah, that’s where it gets tricky. Like I said, if I know they have some kind of hobby that keeps them really busy I would probably give them the benefit of the doubt more often. I have one acquaintance here who probably says no to hanging out 8 out of 10 times. She basically spends every weekend hiking with one group or another so she’s only really in Basel to work. So if she says “I’m hiking in X place that weekend and won’t be back until late Sunday” I tend to assume she really IS hiking and doesn’t just not want to see us. On the other hand, if they keep turning down every offer with no real excuse I would quickly get tired of it (or assume they didn’t like me and let it go before another person decides to tell me very explicitly exactly why I’m not a likeable person!).

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  2. Hmm, it depends. If they say they will do something then either change their mind at the last minute or just don’t show up they wouldn’t get many chances. Sure, I understand that stuff comes up but if it happens every time? And no real explanation? Nope, nope, nope. That’s just plain rude!

    On the other hand, my boyfriend genuinely IS busy all the time – like he had concerts with one choir last Friday and Saturday, has concerts with his other choir this coming Saturday and Sunday so practically every weekend (plus a few evenings) for the past 2 months he’s had rehearsals. We wanted to go to a pumpkin festival with friends. The festival is on from the beginning of September until 5th November. In all that time we managed to find 2.5 weekends that he wasn’t busy and luckily the people we were going with could also make it on one of the days. So if I know somebody has a hobby like that I would probably give them the benefit of the doubt even if they did say no time after time.

    Then again, when I was working as an English language assistant in Germany, I kept asking the other assistants to do things and they most of them either said no or just didn’t bother replying. Eventually, right before the end of the year, I offered to make dinner for everyone at my place as a kind of goodbye thing and asked people to PLEASE at least respond so I could plan how much food to buy. The result was that one of the group writing back (in a group message so everyone could see) that none of them liked me and could I PLEASE stop pretending to be nice and inviting them to things when they all know I’m a horrible, negative person who tries to fake being friendly. So now I only invite people to things if I’m absolutely, 100% SURE they actually like me and want to do things with me.

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    1. Wow, that person in the German group wrote that? That’s so rude. So that one person gets to speak for the whole of the group? I’d be pissed if someone said on my behalf that I disliked someone. Like no, dumba** I can speak for myself thank you very much. Don’t use me to make another person feel like sh**.

      Even if I’m not sure I care for a person, the fact that they are thinking of fixing food for me and invited me to their home is a very kind and wonderful thing. I’d still want that person to know that I really appreciate their kindness.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep, she wrote that, then another girl in the group backed her up (saying I am rude to everyone, they hadn’t want to hang around with me because they wanted to actually enjoy their year abroad and not spend it hanging around with people who exude negativity). One girl who was only peripherally part of the group (who I had met first and introduced some of the others to and who I had seen a few times during the year) messaged me separately and said she couldn’t make it but she didn’t agree with what the others were saying and since she was staying in Germany we could definitely meet up some other time. She’s since spent a few years in the Netherlands and is now living in the US but we’re still in touch. The others all removed me from Facebook after that and I’ve never heard from any of them again. They weren’t the first people to tell me they don’t like me though and probably won’t be the last.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Personally I like to give people at least three chances. But I guess it depends on how they brushed you off. If it’s really bad I wouldn’t ask them again (even after the first time).

    I don’t like the fact of people wasting my time.

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