Life · Mental Health

It is your problem…

I can’t breathe. I keep gasping for air, but there’s no air for me.  I feel like I’m drowning. This is what it must feel like. Fortunately, I don’t have the real experience to compare this to. 

I’m at Company H at the moment. There’s no one here. Today Yuichiro sent me a series of messages each one worse and weirder than the rest.  (So much so that both Rei and I wondered why everyone is being such a fucking bitch these days.) To sum up basically he said he hasn’t wanted to talk to me, and we don’t need to send messages to each other all the time as we’re not in a relationship. That’s funny. I didn’t think we were in a relationship. That’s so weird he would say that. The thought never even crossed my mind. I didn’t think you had to be in a relationship to talk to someone daily just that you had to enjoy talking to them. I send messages to Rei all the time. We’re not in a relationship. I just enjoy talking to her. Meanwhile Yuichiro still views every single fucking story I post on Instagram. I don’t know what to do. I feel like he started all this by coming into our office all the time and more than that planning and coming to specifically talk to me (not to mention sending me ever so many videos and messages). What’s more is that these don’t sound like his words. It sounds like someone put these words in his mouth. I’m wrecked. 

Seriously, what the fuck is happening right now? What kind of fucking Kool-Aid have everyone been drinking.

Both Kotono and Yuichiro’s behavior came out of nowhere. Both of these experiences left me floored, and if we’re being honest here (and why not on the blog), Yuichiro’s did more so more than Kotono’s did. 

I’m having a hard time today. I’ve already almost cried like 5 times. I’m praying this day goes fast but it’s just dragging ass. I want to leave. I want to go home. I want to bury myself in blankets and just cry. Unfortunately I can do none of these right now. I can just sit here and hope my thoughts don’t consume me. 

Edit: This afternoon my coworker and I went to go decorate the space we’re using for our Halloween party at the festival this Sunday (which means I work Sunday). We had gone in the space and got to work. Not long after that Yuichiro walked by. I waved at him, and he looked like he’d just seen a ghost. He didn’t wave back so I waved again. He finally waved at me and kept walking, didn’t stop to talk or anything. Turns out he walked right into the meeting room next to us. At one point my coworker decided to pop her head in there and ask them if they had tape. When she came back she said “Your friend Yuichiro is sat in there with new hair.” I had to pretend like I didn’t know that while subsequently pretending that I didn’t give a shit. Later she tried to get his attention to say goodbye to him but to no avail. That was the last I saw of him. He didn’t come to talk to me. He sent no further messages. I don’t know what I expected. I was holding on to a sliver of hope I’d talk to him today. I feel so stupid and foolish. On my bike ride home I cried most of the time and then I got home and cried to Rei. I’m crying again now writing this but I’m trying to wrap it up because I have a freelance meeting in 20 minutes. I feel empty inside. I feel like I’m losing all my friends. I feel sick. 

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