Life · Mental Health · Music

Yes I am an adult person…

Ya girl is confused as fuck and a whole lot of drunk, so I apologize in advance if this is a jumbled mess.

I am home from a day of music.  I didn’t see Yuichiro much.  In fact, when I saw him at first I thought the mature thing to do would be to flip him off (more than once).  Yes I am an adult person.  Most of the night I spent with Mimi, but before that I was alone for a short time.  I sent Yuichiro a message prior to coming reminding him that I had bought a ticket for this event a long time ago.  He said he remembered and didn’t care if I “bothered” him as I had said in my message.  At one point during the night I got up in his face (blame the alcohol) and said something along the lines of “YOU DON’T WANNA TALK TO ME!”  To which he replied “Don’t” and furthered that with “You don’t understand me.”  I replied to that with “You don’t understand me!”  Yes I am an adult person.

I left it at that and hung out with Mimi and Co. some more.  At the start of the event one of the artists sang a super emotional song and I totally teared up.  I thought what a great start to this event.  I promptly got over it went to watch an artist who didn’t show up.  They said they had tried to call him to no avail and they were just gonna put on the next act.  After that I sat by myself and drank two Chu-hi Strong Zeros.  During that time a bunch of Yuichiro’s band mates walked by me.  I smiled and waved each time.  I came to learn that he had said nothing about ignoring the fuck out of me to them as the treated me as usual.  I was actually relieved.

After the Chu-his there were back to back performances to watch which kept me busy and kept my mind off of Yuichiro.  Of course, I watched his band too.  (Before that when they asked at the door who I came to see, I absolutely without hesitation told them I came to see his band.)

The real heartbreak came at the end of the night.  I saw Yuichiro and he asked me if I was leaving, and I said that I wasn’t (as I wanted to leave with Mimi not at the same time as him).  But I walked with him upstairs anyway.  We stood outside talking for a little while.  I threw his words in his face more than once, you know where he said “We don’t need to talk all the time.  We’re not in a relationship.”  I said that was a shitty thing to say.  I asked “Who are you?”  The Yuichiro I know wouldn’t have said such mean things.  I said “I thought we were friends”.  He said, “We are friends”.  I said that friends don’t treat each other this way.  He copped out saying that he can’t say what he wants to say in English.  Then he kept repeating the word “timing” and “timing” and “timing” and I don’t know if that refers to him coming into our office or something else, something more complex.  I suspect both.  Then he said he’s got much respect for me, and he thanked me profusely for coming tonight while shaking my hand, and I flashed back to the river.  During our talk my eyes welled up with tears, but I told those tears to STFU and didn’t let them out.  I don’t know.  My memory is foggy.  Maybe he said he’d come see me some time if the timing was right.  Maybe he said he missed me.  Maybe I just said that too loudly.  I don’t know.  I am at this point an unreliable narrator as I had a lot to drink.  I will tell you this, and it’s a 100% true and burned into my memory.  Before he left, he gave me a hug, a big hug the likes of which I hadn’t experienced since I came back from America (and like the one after the river).  I said, “I missed him.”  He said, “I know.”  I can’t analyze this even if I tried.  Are we still friends?  Is everything back to normal?  Will we still talk?  I don’t even know.  The only thing I know for sure is that you don’t hug someone like that if you don’t care about them.  Why did he treat me so coldly before?  My heart hurts.  My life hurts.

This has been…after midnight drunk thoughts from an adult person.  Yes I am an adult person.

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