Life · Mental Health

Crying and wanting to punch someone…

I’m currently wavering between crying and wanting to punch someone in the face.  Thank you depression and anxiety.

First, my work at Company H is oftentimes very slow (more so since Yuichiro stopped swinging by).  I spend my loads of downtime fucking around on the internet, studying Japanese (when my brain can handle it) and sketching.  I’m not a master artist.  I think I’m pretty damn good though, and I like to draw.  (You may remember my chibi friends here.  I can’t remember where the other chibis are but you get the idea.)  I drew two pictures for Yuichiro (one was a realistic sketch of his face and the other an anime style Yuichiro).  For a long time he had the realistic one as his Instagram avatar which made me ecstatic every time I saw it.  He said he loved the drawing, but I wouldn’t be surprised (terribly hurt but not surprised) if it had ended up in the garbage.  Anyway, that’s off track.  I had wanted to give Mimi a present for her birthday, and I wanted to buy her earrings but funds have been tight these days.  I thought aside from making her a video in my idiotic Japanese and making a card for her, I would also sketch her face realistic style.  Well, I had forgotten I decided to do this because apparently I forget great ideas I have sometimes.  Well, fortunately I remembered today when I had a bunch of downtime.  I sketched out Mimi and for a while there I was afraid it was going to turn out terribly but it ended up looking really lovely and I sent her the proof.  I was super nervous but she thought it was beautiful.  When I confessed as such she asked why, and I just word vomited all over her that recently some people don’t want to be friends with me. (I didn’t drop any names…Yuichiro.)  She (basically) said that’s silly and she’ll always be my friend and I’d never be alone.  Excuse me while I cry forever.  She then said in English “I am so lucky to have a best friend like you” and she doesn’t speak English so I’m crying all over the damn place.  I am so lucky to have met wonderful people like Mimi and Rei.

Meanwhile, I told you about this Thanksgiving drama and now it’s gotten to the point where I have to tell grown ass adults to either RSVP yes or no.  What the fuck is this nonsense?  You are a grown ass adult with fucking responsibilities.  Why the fuck can’t you RSVP to an event when you know what your schedule is?  I’m getting a lot of “I’m sorry Usagi but blah blah blah…”  Don’t be fucking sorry.  That’s useless.  Take some fucking action.  Fucking shit.  How inconsiderate.  Especially because the event centers around food and I need to know how many people will be there.  FML.  First of all why did I think this would be a good idea?  My anxiety can’t handle the wishy-washy people here.  Secondly, Michiru has made the list of people I’m never inviting to things again.  She like others have said no to every single thing I have invited her to.  It’s really too bad because when we first met we really clicked and I thought we would be good friends.  She turned out to be not much fun at all.  I need some new friends.

So there it is.  That’s why I’m teetering between crying and wanting to punch someone in the face.  Anxiety and depression are both in rare form today.  Can I get a fucking break?  Please.

2 thoughts on “Crying and wanting to punch someone…

  1. Your post is causing my “flake” anxiety to rise. Flakes are hard on the blood pressure.

    I hate when I can’t give a clear yes or no (usually because I might have to go to the infertility clinic for a *surprise* follicle) or have to cancel. I try to be clear if I can’t do something or I’m pretty sure I can’t (sometimes money reasons).

    I know it’s sucks saying “no” to someone who really wants to meet you, but it’s better than playing “Maybe I will” or “Maybe I won’t” with their schedule.

    Flakes are the worst. I know we all get forced to flake a little at some point, but it’s the ones who consistently flake without regard to other people’s time that tick me off.

    Liked by 1 person

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