Life · Mental Health

Lump…

I’m trying to hold it together but I’m expecting tears in 3…2…1…

Okay well I seriously cannot cry on cue like that, but the tears are sitting there just waiting to drop.  I talked to Yuichiro today for a half second, but it was all business and brief bit of sarcasm from him.  I can’t even handle this anymore.  What’s gotten into him?  Basically I had to ask him to put me on the advance list for his show on Saturday.  I didn’t HAVE to ask him (I could have asked Mimi) but his band gets whatever minuscule credit from my ticket.  I don’t owe it to him, but I feel like I do since he’s the reason I even got into this scene in the first place.  I suppose his sarcastic answer was in response to my passive aggressive message in the first place.  I don’t know what’s going on, so I don’t know how to behave.  I can only be hurt.  It started off with me asking for tickets.  (I am gray.)

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いやみ means “no way” and I can just see it dripping with sarcasm especially since he said it in Japanese and not English.  I doubt Yuichiro has mastered English sarcasm yet.  You be the judge.  Maybe I started it.  Maybe I deserved that message, but I tell you what I don’t deserve is the weeks of unidentified cold silence.  No one deserves that from someone she once called a friend.  Nonetheless, that was the last thing he said to me.  (Oh there’s the tears.)  Meanwhile, I think he’s done with my Instagram stories.  He didn’t look at anything since Friday.  I posted all weekend too.  He didn’t watch them which is a first.  I had always said I would post Instagram stories until he stopped watching them.  What’s the point?  Who cares if anyone else watches them?  Am I even that interesting anyway?  I really hate myself today.  (Cut to me deleting every story from today except the one I posted just now of me crying.)  However, he’s still creeping around Instagram liking skateboarding videos and boob pictures.  I swear to God how fucking predictable.  I like boob pictures, tattoos, Japanese muscles, art, food, animals, musicians, people partying, and damn near everything else.  Every time he likes something 9 times out of 10 it’s boobs or skateboarding.  Yawn.  Why do I care so much about this fucking child? (Not literally he’s in his 20s.)  Usagi, you are so so stupid.  Thank you depression.  Fuck you too.

I haven’t eaten dinner yet.  I had to shower first because the mess I came home to today was epically disgusting.  Small Lady manged to shit all over her bed and lay in it too, so I had to wash her off and then myself.  Then I had to get these rough feelings out.  Which brings us to now.  Right this moment.  Sending all this pain out into the web where it’ll be “liked” by WordPress users and then fall into the pile with all the other posts about how much depression makes me hate everything about my life.  This is the worst part, I think.  A supreme useless feeling.  Why am I here?  I can’t make anyone happy first and foremost myself.  I am a lump of bones and blood.  A sad lump of bones and blood and organs and stupid stupid dumb dumb feelings who should probably get out of bed and eat dinner and do this mountain of dishes so I can trick Mamoru into thinking I’m a productive member of society and not a useless lump.

I hope you’re having better days, my friends.

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2 thoughts on “Lump…

  1. I only recently followed you, and as much as I sympathize with you. I must say you have a skill for writing. I actually feel the things you write about because your writing is so good. Anyway I hope things get better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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