“Love gives up the strength to keep moving forward.  If we walk at this together, we can keep going higher.”

This is from one of Mimi’s songs.  I listened to this song 10 times in a row today.  I’ve seen this song live.  It’s a slow song.  It’s not upbeat like most of her songs.  When I saw it live, I thought the melody was beautiful, but I didn’t understand the importance of this song.  Listening to it on a CD, listening to the words, and understanding the lyrics gave me a better appreciation for this song.

I can relate these lines to so many events in my life.  Like the times Mamoru said he wanted to give up on our marriage or take a break, and I argued that we can do anything, we can overcome anything because we have love.  No matter what happened between Mamoru and I, no matter how hard things got, I never stopped loving him.  I fought for him, for our marriage with love.  Because Mamoru changed my life, I will always love him.  I’m sure things will be hard trying to adopt a baby, but we have love and that should get us through anything.  I’m sure it will be hard to raise children, but we have love.  Love should be able to get us through any tough spots.

I’m crying.  I’ve been crying for a little bit.  This evening I was chatting with Mimi.  I asked to buy a CD of hers because I want to give it to Shingo as a Christmas present.  He loves Mimi’s band best of all (me too but don’t tell Yuichiro).  Suddenly, she sent me an ultrasound picture.  See Mimi is pregnant, and I shouldn’t be so shocked because Yuichiro told me she was pregnant back in September (October?).  However, I didn’t believe him because Mimi was drinking at shows.  As far as I know, she didn’t get completely wasted, but she was drinking nonetheless.  I shrugged it off because I figured Yuichiro was lying.  Nothing changed.  I saw her throughout September and October and she was still drinking.  She was still drinking in November.  I told Rei that Yuichiro was a liar because he also told me something about the singer of his group and the reason why she didn’t show up to their last show.  At that show I got pretty drunk, angry, and teary, but I don’t remember Mimi drinking.  This was mid-November.  Of course, I showered Mimi with congrats while dying a little inside and feeling sorry for myself that I can’t ever share an ultrasound photo with someone.  After that I spent a half hour shopping for baby clothes on Amazon.  Then, I cried some more.  Cried that I am 38 and I am not shopping for baby clothes for my baby but for 25 year old Mimi’s baby.  Then I grew hopeful again.  I grew hopeful that Mamoru and I could adopt soon and then Mimi’s baby and my baby could grow up together and be best friends.  So basically the past few hours have been a roller coaster of emotions for me and now I’m still feeling sad and tired.  Mamoru isn’t here.  Mamoru isn’t here, and I need a hug.  Anyway, I love Mimi.  She’s definitely one of my favorite people in this city.  One time I lamented to her about losing all my friends, and she said that she’d always be my friend.  She’s one of the sweetest, kindest and happiest people I’ve met.  I’m very happy for her.  But it’s possible to be happy and sad at the same time, so that’s how I feel now.

If you have any positive words for me or any wishful thinking for a speedy adoption, please send those words my way.  I need some happiness of my own.

4 thoughts on “Love…

  1. I want to give comfort, but I also find myself needing it. Today we found out the egg failed to fertilize.

    All I can offer is an e-hug. It’s not the same as words of comfort, but I hope it will help. You are not alone.



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