Life

Tears…

Today wasn’t the worst day of my life, but it was a pretty bad day.  Mamoru and I got into a small argument about celebrating our anniversary on a different day.  When we first discussed it last month, he said he was fine with doing it on a different day because I bought tickets for Naru and Shingo for a show that day as a Christmas present.  Today suddenly, he said it made him sad.  Once that was hashed out we moved on to Mimi’s pregnancy.  This morning at breakfast I had told him about it.  He said, “That’s great” and nothing else.  I said that hurt because I’d say he knows better than anyone how bad infertility has made me feel.  I said he should have asked if I was okay.  He didn’t understand.  It’s happy news.  It is happy news FOR HER.  And I am happy for her.  But I am sad for me.  Just this week Facebook decided to show me yet another pregnancy as well as a couple sharing their adoption journey.  Great.  Babies everywhere.  Guys, I just fell apart today.  I fell apart and I sobbed, big gulping gasping sobs in Mamoru’s arms.  Why is it everyone else’s turn?  Why does everyone else get what they want?  What did I do wrong?  Why I am still waiting for my baby?  All Mamoru could say was “soon” and “soon we’ll have our family” and finally “sooner or later”.  I don’t know when soon is.  Soon isn’t six months.  Soon isn’t one year.  And later isn’t two years.  (I know we did take a few months off).  But “soon” we’ll have been trying for two years.  Two years.  And in infertility time it feels like a million years.  I know.  I know.  Not everyone is having a baby (even though that’s what it feels like).  I know there are other silent infertile couples.  I know there are others who have waited longer than us.  But thinking of someone else’s equally upsetting circumstances doesn’t make me feel better (which is why I never think you should say to someone “others have it worse than you.”  It belittles that person’s difficult situation that they decided to share with you.  Sorry, I got on a soapbox there.)

I went out with Rei for a few hours today.  We both decided to call it a night early because we were both tired.  Her from working her ass off all week and me from crying all day.  Since I was late to meet her and I looked like a truck drove into my face, I had to tell her something.  I told her half the story.  I told her about Mimi and about my infertility.  I cried.  She cried.  I didn’t tell her about the adoption attempt yet.  I feel very protective of that.  I also don’t want to tell a lot of people because what if it comes with a lot of rejection.  Then each time I get excited and tell people about a possibility and we are rejected then I have tell each person our sad rejection story.  It’s better for me to keep it small in the real world and still air my feelings here when need be.

Anyway, that’s how my day went.  Full of tears (more than once) but also full of love.  I’m lucky to have Mamoru, and I’m lucky to have a friend like Rei.  She always makes me laugh.  I can barely keep my eyes open, so I’m calling it a night.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.  Be well.

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