Someone said Christmas was in 5 days. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I think it’s official that I’m doing too much. When I bought the IKEA furniture, I thought I scheduled it for Friday (my day off). Nope. I scheduled it for yesterday. I’m certain I told the woman 金曜日 (Friday) and not 火曜日 (Tuesday) but lately Japanese people can’t seem to understand my Japanese despite my most excellent pronunciation. (I’m actually being serious because my pronunciation is the best thing about my Japanese.) 金曜日 (Friday) and 火曜日 (Tuesday) are pronounced “ka yo be” and “kin yo be” so maybe the woman misheard me but then it was my fault for not double checking the receipt before I left the store. They called about a hundred times and when I finally answered and was like “no it’s Friday” and after that mild anxiety attack I messaged Mamoru to have him call them and sort this all out. Yeah, I did schedule the wrong day. Basically, I have too much on my plate right now. Every day I’ve been taking our unwanted items to the station to hand over to various people through a Facebook giveaway group. It’s helping get rid of our stuff and quickly but it’s getting tiring waiting for people who are late and/or rude. Next, we ordered a new house for Small Lady and it was supposed to be delivered after Christmas but it came today and along with IKEA, this delivery man was also blowing up my phone. Luckily I came home right after he called (to pick up two bags of shit to deliver to someone at the station), and he was like “Hey, you’re that moon princess you live in number xxxx” so that was pretty good timing because the box for her house was massive. I took the bags to the station and came back and assembled her house. Unfortunately, even though it’s a pretty great new house, it doesn’t have a bottom, and she’s also like “what the fuck is this?” and wouldn’t go in there. After some coaxing I got her in there and she had a pee on some pee pads. I’m using the old bed bottom temporarily. It’s a little too big, but hopefully we can come up with something better. Poor Small Lady. She’s seen so many changes lately. After assembling the house I had to do the dishes. I ran out of tea, so Shingo was kind enough to go to 7/11 and get me some more. As of today (after two more deliveries to the station tonight) the tatami room will be almost all cleaned out for Naru.
Because of all this I had a mental breakdown last night. Mamoru being the “fixer” attempted to fix things by offering to reschedule our appointment with the CGC tomorrow (more on that later). I told him that it was important to me, and I didn’t want to cancel it. Basically he forgot that I told him to ask me one of three questions that will help me. (What can I do? How can I help? What will make you feel better?) He said he didn’t want to ask my dumb questions and wanted to do things his own way. I got beyond angry and told him that didn’t help me. I told him I know how to handle my mental health better than he does. I’ve been handling myself for 38 years. He’s an absolute beginner here. He definitely needs to listen to me on this one. I said postponing our meeting with the CGC doesn’t help me at all. I don’t know how much of the issues we resolved last night but I was just too exhausted to continue and had to go to bed.
This morning I woke up to red puffy eyes which I couldn’t find enough make up to cover completely. The mental load I’m carrying is just too enormous right now. It’s too much.
Get rid of our junk. Clean the house. Reorganize the house. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Check the adoption website. Take care of Mamoru. Take care of Small Lady. Take care of Shingo. Get things ready for Naru. Take things to the station. Go to work. Take Mamoru’s dry cleaning. Eat. Buy Christmas presents. Worry about our CGC appointment. Check the calendar. Update the calendar. Go to the bank. Make some food. Buy whipped cream. Wrap all the presents before people come home and see them. Freelance meeting. Diet. Try to hold it together. Try to hold it together. Try to hold hold it together.
I told Mamoru that any one of these things alone isn’t a difficult task. Even doing more than one of these things isn’t difficult. However, these things all together all at once is overwhelming. I am mentally exhausted. I am physically tired and mentally exhausted.
Tomorrow I was supposed to work but I took the day off because our CGC appointment is in the middle of the day. The CGC is an institution where children without families our housed. They either can or can’t be adopted. Most of them can’t. Step one is an interview tomorrow. After that we can take foster-to-adopt classes and then hopefully be approved to adopt or coaster-to-adopt. Mamoru says it’s just an interview and I shouldn’t be nervous. But I still am. Because at the end of the day I’m still a gaijin in Japan and that comes with a lot of stigma (no fault of my own). It was difficult for me to adopt Small Lady. I hope it’s not that difficult to adopt a child.
So that’s it. I’ve got a lot going on right now. It’s too much. I told Mamoru that I’m not a superhero. I can do a lot but I can’t do everything. I need his support. I don’t need him to fix everything. Sigh. I’m ready to wrap up 2017. This year has been the proverbial dumpster fire. Time to put it out and get on with 2018. New year. New hope. New things. New normal. Bring it. I’m ready. Here’s to better days.