Adoption · Japan · Life

Numbers…

I just got back from our appointment with our local institution.  I’ve already cried once (fortunately not in the meeting), and I’m sure I’ll start again soon.  Basically, the interview did not give us the hopeful outcome I had expected.  To adopt through our local institution, we have to complete a series of classes.  The lady we met with told us today that it takes about 1 year to complete.  Only after that can we be matched with a child.  Then we foster, and after that we are able to adopt that child.  Upon completion and after we receive our certificate, there is no number for how long we’ll have to wait to have a child placed with us.  Why is this so upsetting?  Take a look at our timeline.

December 2015 – December 2016: TTC.
December 2016: PCOS diagnosis.
January 2017 – October 2017 – Adoption talks sparingly, Mamoru declines.
November 2017: Adoption okay!  Let’s start.
December 2017: Apply with online NPO.  Meet with local institution.

When we started TTC, Mamoru was 38 and I was 36.  Now Mamoru is 40, and I am 38.  I am still okay, but Mamoru only has 5 years.  Why 5 years?  People in Japan cannot adopt after 45.  I don’t know what archaic bullshit this is based on.  By the time we complete the foster-to-adopt course, Mamoru will be 41.  Then what?  How long will we have to wait to have a child placed in our home?  Also, we want more than one child.  What happens if Mamoru turns 45 and we only have one?  Is that it?  No other children for us? A lady who I’ve been in contact with who adopted via the online NPO said she and her husband were 40 when they started with their local institution.  Now 44, they were unable to adopt from the institution even after getting the certificate and had to go another route.  There is no guarantee that once we complete the course a child will even be placed with us.

This is the part where I whine a lot, so feel free to skip this if need be.  I didn’t ask to be infertile.  I didn’t ask for my husband to be in perfect working order but for me to be broken.  I don’t understand why people who are drug abusers and child abusers are able to have children but we have to suffer.  I don’t understand the gross imbalance in this world.  It’s utterly not fair.  But then you may say what my parents used to say “Life isn’t fair Usagi.”  Mamoru and I have had a hard time trying to have a child, so when does it get to be fair for us?  How many more miscarriages do I have to have?  How many more pregnancy posts do I have to see?  How many more ultrasound photos?  How many more happy families smothered all over social media?  My fellow infertility sufferers you know how it feels.  It sucks.  It fucking sucks.  When is it our turn?  Do we not deserve a family?  Do we deserve a family less than drug addicts or child abusers?  Who is making these decisions?  Why are the PTB such assholes?  Does anyone know the answer to these questions?

I’m feeling pretty defeated today.  The numbers are not on our side.  It’s incredibly disheartening.  I’m not going to compare my timeline to others.  I’m sure there are other people who have waited or have been waiting longer.  I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I don’t care about them right now.  I care about my family.  I care about my long awaited children.  I feel like I’ve waited long enough, and I’ve suffered enough blows in trying to have a child to hold in my arms.  I am so tired of waiting and waiting and waiting.  I’m so tired of all the heartbreak that comes in only just trying to have a child.  It really hurts you guys.  That’s all.  Goodnight.

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3 thoughts on “Numbers…

  1. The process going through DHS here in the states is long and convoluted and bureaucratic as well. Through DHS there aren’t the age restrictions but everything else was so bad we decided to go independent. And that age thing is very popular all over the world unfortunately when it comes to International adoptions – we dealt with the “maximum combined age” restriction which also put Dan and I in a similar situation where we just could look at certain countries because we were over the age of 90 when you added our two ages together. So Ethiopia was the only one and then when they closed their doors and we lost all our money there after all the failed infertility treatments, India had recently opened theirs but had the restrictions and we’d already bypassed that combo as my husband was turning 50. So that’s why we are at domestic adoption here in the States because it appears to be our only choice… Ironically we didn’t choose it in the very beginning because it was so expensive and now we’ve spent the equivalent of two domestic adoptions on fertility treatments and a failed international adoption. It sucks everywhere… And my husband’s home country of Australia you pretty much can’t adopt as the wait is 7_10 years.

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    1. Yeah I heard that about Australia. It seems to me like none of these systems’ main concern is the happiness of a child. It’s really heartbreaking to think about. I wish you the best of luck stateside.

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  2. No, I don’t know the answer to those questions. I have sometimes wondered whether my inability to get pregnant is nature or my body’s way of telling me I wouldn’t be a good mother anyway, but then do drug addicts and child abusers make good parents? NO! It’s just luck of the draw, I guess.

    Knowing that other people took longer or had a more difficult time doesn’t make what’s happening to you any less hard. Maybe people who have already got their baby can find it in them to sympathise with those who are still on this journey, but while you’re living it thinking about how hard other people have it doesn’t make your own situation magically feel less devastating. All I can offer is virtual hugs.

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