Life · Miscarriage · Pregnancy

FUCK…

I’ve been feeling weird lately.  Basically, I have had an accelerated heart rate and some things have been making me sick like some foods and some amusement park rides.  Mamoru went to this gym at about 11:30 so I thought that would be a good time to take a pregnancy test.  Basically the last time we had sex was right in the middle of my cycle.  I had lingering fears that I could possibly get pregnant and then subsequently lose the baby like the other two times I’ve gotten preggo.

Lo and behold:

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First test
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Second test

I immediately popped a prenatal vitamin.  The problem is that I can’t be happy about this.  Instead I’m really freaked out.  I had a couple drinks in the DPO.  I went on some amusement park rides.  I didn’t take vitamins.  I’ve had two miscarriages.  Will this be three?  What if something is wrong with this baby?  What if…what if…what if…?  I’m shaking and near tears typing this.  I contemplated not telling Mamoru.  Why get his hopes up you know?  I thought I could just go to the doctor and then either give him good news or no news.  Luckily one of the Kindara ladies talked me out of that foolishness.  He’ll be back from the gym soon.  I’ll tell him then.  I’m so so scared.  I hate that miscarriage makes you feel like this.  I hate that infertility makes you feel like this.  Like I can’t even enjoy pregnancy like normal people.  Please think good thoughts for me.  I’m seven kinds of scared right now.

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10 thoughts on “FUCK…

  1. OMG! I’m sorry I missed these posts. I’m catching up on everything now.

    I think if I ever got a pregnancy test as this point I’d feel more sick with fear than joyful. Miscarriage just leaves a scar that never quite heals. I hope, HOPE things work out. Catching up on the other posts now.

    *hugs*

    Like

  2. Miscarriage(s) absolutely take some of the joy out of subsequent pregnancies. 😥 I’m so sorry. I agree with the above advice to be happy and thankful that TODAY you are pregnant – that got me through the first several weeks this time. ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely know what you’re going through. Surround yourself with positive support. Especially now. Find someone or several someones you can talk to about your fears who will listen and not try to shush you or make you feel like it’s not ok to feel fear. You are definitely in my thoughts girl. I absolutely know what you are feeling, since I was there two years ago. The best advice I got… Is to remember that.. Today you are pregnant. And think that everyday. Say it out loud and internally. Because TODAY you are pregnant.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. OMG, this is amazing!! I’m so happy for you! Someone in a TTC/infertility group I’m in also just got a positive pregnancy test. I can only assume it’s the new year trying to make up for the utter shit show that was 2017. I know it’s easy for me to say having never miscarried, but try not to worry too much. Just because you miscarried before doesn’t mean you will again. For now just be happy that, as of right now, you are PREGNANT! And that is wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

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