I’m at Company H at the moment. I have about an hour left. I’m barely making it through the day trying to focus and keep my mind busy lest it be plagued with all the horrible thoughts swirling around in my brain.
Last night I broke down and cried into Mamoru’s arms. I can’t help feeling like I am going to lose this baby too. I’m over analyzing every little thing. Why is my heart rate lower than it has been? Why is the pregnancy test line lighter than it has been? Why is my temperature lower than it has been? Am I losing this baby? I know I know that there’s nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage. If it happens it will happen because there is something wrong with the embryo. Of course, I don’t want it to happen, and I want to make sure I’m doing everything in my power.
I spoke to Luna this morning and told her all my fears. She said the temperature difference wasn’t enough to be worried. She recommended I use progesterone cream since I had low progesterone before. She thinks I’m doing too many checks (still testing, temp, and heart rate). To be fair my heart rate is through my Fitbit which I wear anyway. Also, the pregnancy test line (the darker one) was from a test that sat two days. Today’s test sat for about ten minutes before I had to run to Company H. I should know better than to call that test an exact indication.
I don’t know how to turn this anxiety off. I don’t want to feel this way, and it’s so fucking unfair that infertility has robbed me of any joy I can have while pregnant. It’s beyond fucking unfair. Every time I go to the bathroom I hope and pray there’s not a speck of blood. Every time I feel even a little wetness I worry it’s blood. What did I do to deserve this?
I’m counting down the hours until my appointment on Friday (10:30AM). It’s now Tuesday (a little after 4PM). I am hoping against hope that my mind is just being an asshole (plaguing me with anxiety) and that my body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing (growing this baby). Please let the PTB be kind to me. I will cherish this baby like it’s the most precious gift in the world.
If you have any words of encouragement or anything that will help me cope, please comment. I’m barely holding it together here. Please please let everything be okay.