Last night was another one for the books. After taking my 3rd pregnancy test of the day I panicked and called Mamoru sobbing saying I needed to go to the hospital for a blood test which incidentally was closing soon, and I couldn’t have made it there in time anyway even by taxi. He managed to talk me down citing there was no emergency and therefore I didn’t need to show up at the ER either. I’m the end I decided I would just wait until my appointment on Friday. I have no signs of a miscarriage. I just have anxiety plaguing me, and it keeps telling me I’m going to lose this baby. Anxiety is a real fucking bitch. A real fucking bitch. The tests last night really confused me. One test was darker than an earlier test of that same brand and a different brand was lighter than an earlier test of that same brand. When Mamoru got home I told him I had decided to stop testing. The tests have started to confuse me and have now amplified my anxiety instead of making me feel better.
Something that makes me feel better is this pregnancy app I downloaded called Ovia. Within the app you can do many things. It talks about your baby’s growth and you can record your feelings as well as what’s happening with your body. This is today’s info from Ovia:
It’s not a big thing but even a small reassurance from an app helps a little bit. The few Kindara ladies who still follow my chart have been supportive too. Basically if everyone could just throw all their support at me right now that’d be great and I won’t die of anxiety poisoning.
I wonder if this feeling ever goes away or do I have to feel like this for 8 more months? I wonder if part of it could be hormones. I hope that’s the case. It’s so frustrating not knowing what’s going on inside there. All I know is that the external signs I can read are a good indication everything is fine. My cervix is tightly closed. I have tons of pregnancy symptoms and no bleeding, not even any spotting. My ankles started tingling too. I wonder if that’s swelling because my ring feels a little tighter. I wish my brain would focus on those things. Maybe it’s trying to protect my heart which would most certainly break beyond repair if I were to lose this baby.
Today’s a rainy day so Company H is very slow. It seems like the rain keeps people away. If it remains this way, the day is gonna drag on and my mind will probably slowly descend into the depths of anxiety, a pit I don’t want to be in. I hope that’s not the case and I hope I’m able to keep my mind distracted. As always thank you for reading. I appreciate your comments and well wishes.