Life · Mental Health · Pregnancy

Anxiety amplified…

Last night was another one for the books. After taking my 3rd pregnancy test of the day I panicked and called Mamoru sobbing saying I needed to go to the hospital for a blood test which incidentally was closing soon, and I couldn’t have made it there in time anyway even by taxi. He managed to talk me down citing there was no emergency and therefore I didn’t need to show up at the ER either. I’m the end I decided I would just wait until my appointment on Friday. I have no signs of a miscarriage. I just have anxiety plaguing me, and it keeps telling me I’m going to lose this baby. Anxiety is a real fucking bitch. A real fucking bitch. The tests last night really confused me. One test was darker than an earlier test of that same brand and a different brand was lighter than an earlier test of that same brand. When Mamoru got home I told him I had decided to stop testing. The tests have started to confuse me and have now amplified my anxiety instead of making me feel better.

Something that makes me feel better is this pregnancy app I downloaded called Ovia. Within the app you can do many things. It talks about your baby’s growth and you can record your feelings as well as what’s happening with your body. This is today’s info from Ovia:

It’s not a big thing but even a small reassurance from an app helps a little bit. The few Kindara ladies who still follow my chart have been supportive too. Basically if everyone could just throw all their support at me right now that’d be great and I won’t die of anxiety poisoning.

I wonder if this feeling ever goes away or do I have to feel like this for 8 more months? I wonder if part of it could be hormones. I hope that’s the case. It’s so frustrating not knowing what’s going on inside there. All I know is that the external signs I can read are a good indication everything is fine. My cervix is tightly closed. I have tons of pregnancy symptoms and no bleeding, not even any spotting. My ankles started tingling too. I wonder if that’s swelling because my ring feels a little tighter. I wish my brain would focus on those things. Maybe it’s trying to protect my heart which would most certainly break beyond repair if I were to lose this baby.

Today’s a rainy day so Company H is very slow. It seems like the rain keeps people away. If it remains this way, the day is gonna drag on and my mind will probably slowly descend into the depths of anxiety, a pit I don’t want to be in. I hope that’s not the case and I hope I’m able to keep my mind distracted. As always thank you for reading. I appreciate your comments and well wishes.

12 thoughts on “Anxiety amplified…

  1. It’s so wonderful that you’re pregnant, congratulations. I’m just entering my third trimester and went through so much anxiety and worry during my first trimester. I think it’s really natural to feel like this, especially if you’ve suffered loss before, your body is changing and your hormones are going wild and you so desperately want to protect that tiny growing baby. Please try to trust that your body knows what to do and that everything will be ok. Can you get an early scan at 7 weeks where you are? This helped me to settle some of my worries. Sending you tons of love and positivity xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m having an ultrasound and blood tests on Friday. I’ll be 5 weeks and 5 days. I know it will be early but if the pregnancy is progressing as it’s supposed to then they’ll be able to see a few things on the ultrasound. And don’t I know it. My hormones are a mess right now and not even a hot mess.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s great. Hopefully it will give you the reassurance you are looking for and help settle your nerves a bit. It’s such an exciting but really worrying time isn’t it? Wishing you all the best. Much love

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Please, please stop taking pregnancy tests. At this point I don’t think they’re going to reassure you any more.
    And BREATHE. It’s already Wednesday evening in your part of the world, right? You’ve made it this far and you WILL make it to Friday and your appointment. And hopefully the doctor will be able to provide some reassurance.

    Sadly, I don’t think anxiety ever goes away. Once you give birth, the worries will just change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am not taking any more tests. Yes it’s Wednesday evening here. A little more than 24 hours until my appointment. I can do this. I hope you’re right. I need some serious reassurance right now. Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.


  3. I wish I was good at comforting in this kind of situation, but I learned long ago I’m the worst person to be around when someone is suffering severe anxiety. I made things worse when my husband was going through his panic attacks. I asked him “What do you want me to do?” then later realized (after reading on Google) that is a terrible thing to ask someone in a panic attack.

    I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. I can only say that I think you’re okay. It doesn’t sound like you have the signs of a problem. It sounds like a healthy pregnancy so far.

    I think you’re on the right track stopping with the pregnancy tests if they’re only increasing your anxiety now.

    I think getting past 12 weeks is the big milestone for the baby. The baby is usually fine at that point. The problems that come after are usually with the women’s body, or they were for me.

    So this might go on for another… eight weeks before you can start to relax a little.

    Gosh, I hope I didn’t make things worse writing this.

    *hugs* I wish I was better at comforting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think people handle anxiety differently. At the moment I’m coping okay, but last night in the midst of sobbing my husband asked me what he could do but I didn’t know how to answer him. I appreciate you saying that everything is okay. I think if enough people say it maybe I’ll start to believe it. Of course, having some evidence on a ultrasound will help too. Yeah I know about 12 weeks. I almost made it that far with my first pregnancy but I think the baby died before that and my body didn’t process it right away. Because it happened before it’s alway in the back of my mind. Thank you for reading and commenting. It helps to hear from people who get it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Pink.. I’m going to give you my login for that app. (several of my friends use it too) I really think you need this now more than ever. I don’t want to post it here. Do you have a way I can message you privately with the login. I’m telling you thst it works. Last night for example, I started thinking about birth (something that I have anxiety over usually, since I’ve never experienced it haciohad c-sections in the past ghag were scheduled) and typically I start getting panicky and overwhelmed and sobbing, etc. But I uswd the skills I have learned from calm and LITERALLY within seconds I recognized the emotions for what they were, let them exist and stopped myself (yes stopped) just as I felt myself amping up internally, from having any emotional reaction. It’s hard to explain. But there is a way to do it. And stop taking the pg tests. Here is a discussion on why they’re pointless after confirming pg, in terms of darker/lighter etc.
        It’s super normal for lighter lines as your hcg levels get higher. They call this the “hook effect” and basically the higher level confuses the test and causes it to get lighter. The post above explains a test you can do at home to prove the theory. But at this point Pink, you are pg and nothing ia going to change that right now! Do the 7 day calm program to learn how to breathe through these emotions. You need to break the habit of anxiety, it cam be done, I’m doing it.. By myself. Anxiety is totally normal when you want something that is totally out of your control. But it’s not helpful. I learned a series of questions that help me also, besides breathing, when I start going down the rabbit hole…. They are is X going to happen in the next 5 minutes, the next 12 hours or should I just observe? (x being the thing that you are worried about). So for example… Me. Am I giving birth in the next 5 minutes, 12 hours, or just observe? Obviously in logic land I am not going into labor for many months still… So I just observe my body signs and confirm that I am in fact fine. I then thank my mind for trying to protect and keep me save and then tell it gently to STFU… And I go on with a different thing. It’s a bit hard at first.. But gets easier with practice. You can even have your husband say the questions to you instead of just relying on yourself only. It does get significantly easier after the u/s. I have a home doppler from ebay and tbh it saved my sanity after my u/s confirmed viability this time. I didn’t use it until then. I then only used it when I was feeling super anxious (before I started learning the anxiety self treatment with breathing and the questions). The other thing I found helpful was not reading things that focused on the negative outcomes. It doesn’t help. Find a boom with positive empowering bieth stories and start learning the skills you need to get your emotions under control. This will help you in labor and in life. I highly recommend getting this program called “The Pink Kit” after 14 weeks (Google search or I can send you a link too) it will help you learn the skills you’ll need to remain in control of your birth experience. I can’t tell you how much I understand what you are dealing with and that there is a way to regain control if you are willing to put in the work on yourself to get there… Believe me I am/was super high anxiety lady up until a few weeks ago… And I can feel a difference now. Hugs girl. Please contact me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for this. I’m about to go to sleep but I expect to have some free time tomorrow and can contact you. I’m just trying to distract myself with sleep and work until my appointment on Friday morning.


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