Life · Mental Health · Pregnancy

No good news…

Five weeks and six days.  One day short of 6 weeks.  Today has managed to be one big pile of shit.  First, I’ve developed a nasty dry cough, and I was coughing most of the night.  I feel like I haven’t gotten any sleep despite my Fitbit saying I got a solid 7 hours.  This morning (amid fighting stomachaches) I felt really hot and sick while sitting on the toilet, so I decided to lie in the hall for a short time.  Mamoru helped me up, I had a shower, and went back to bed.  After that Mamoru went to the gym, and I tried to take a nap.  I flopped around for a while and when I finally got up to go to the bathroom, there was blood.  Two things worth noting is that it was brown blood and not that much of it.  Just enough to send me into panic and tears (considering my history with pregnancy).  I read online that spotting is common and most women go on to have successful pregnancies.  That doesn’t make me feel any better because my history with pregnancy isn’t the norm either.  I know that brown means old and that bright red blood should be most concerning, so at least there’s that.  I also read that blood could be caused from things like sex (none of that) or an ultrasound (yep just yesterday).  I’ve calmed down a little, but I’m still scared as fuck.  Here’s another one for the list of things that are un-fucking-fair.  Yesterday, I received some good news, some relief, and some joy.  How long did I get to experience that feeling?  About 24 hours before the joy stealing infertility fairy (who’s a major fucking bitch BTW) was all like “That’s enough of that.”  It’s such bullshit.  Do I get to enjoy this pregnancy at all?  Or is the whole thing gonna be a walk on pins and needles worried about miscarriage the entire fucking time?  Also, I think have I not suffered enough?  How much more suffering is required here?  I’d like a fucking break please.  I’d like everything to be okay with this baby.  I don’t want to lose this baby.  How loudly do I have to shout it?  I DON’T WANT TO LOSE THIS BABY!

For now the spotting has mostly tapered off.  I put on a pantyliner to check what comes out.  It’s a little spotty but now when I wipe, there’s just a couple spots.  I’ve cancelled all commitments until I have to go to Company H on Tuesday (it’s Saturday afternoon now), and I’m staying in bed until then.  Then I’ll go to the doctor on Wednesday where hopefully everything will be fine confirmed with a tiny heartbeat.  (Please.)

What’s even more distressing is that we just told my mom this morning and she cried so much, so much.  She said, “I didn’t think I was gonna be a grandma again.”  She was so happy, you guys.  So happy.  I hope the PTB know that if they take this baby, they will be stripping a lot of people of their happiness especially Mamoru and me who have not had a lot of happiness over the past year despite working so hard to at least try to be happy.  Speaking of Mamoru’s happiness, he made the ultrasound picture his background on his iPad.  He’s so happy.  So please please please let everything be okay.  Please.

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