Life · Mental Health · Pregnancy

Atonement…

I’ve been thinking a lot about atonement lately (probably because I have nothing else to do stuck at home with the flu).  The past year hadn’t been great for Mamoru and me.  Mamoru put his work before me time and time again.  He threatened to leave me and live somewhere else (more than once).  He slept on the sofa.  He seemed to take little interest in our marriage or making things better.  I retaliated by letting my selfishness take over.  I pulled my energy out of our marriage and focused it on music, friends, and anything but.  The fights were ugly.  The tears were many.  I think neither one of us is completely blameless.  Threatening divorce (more than once) is a pretty emotionally manipulative thing to do and focusing on oneself over others is the epitome of selfishness.  It became just two people existing in a marriage where neither one were active participants.  We were just going through the motions.  It wasn’t until I got Mamoru seriously on board with adoption that things in our marriage started getting better.  Little by little we began to resemble the happy couple who had fallen in love and eventually married those years ago.

Now I wonder if our miracle baby is a chance for atonement.  For us to make up for the mistakes we made over the past year.  I wonder if this pregnancy not being easy for me at all thus far is my punishment and my suffering through this pregnancy is how I make up for my mistakes.  I mean let’s face it.  My crime was selfishness.  In pregnancy, selfish is the one thing I can’t be.  If Mamoru’s crime is cold cruelty, how does he make up for that?  Unrelenting kindness?  I know Mamoru doesn’t feel any guilt about how he treated me when we first moved here.  Knowing Mamoru, he’s forgotten all that ever even happened.  But me?  Why do I still feel guilty even though I am suffering?  Also, I keep asking the PTB not to punish this baby, this innocent for the “crimes” of his parents.  I think a MC would definitely punish Mamoru and me, but an unhealthy baby punishes the baby too.  Why should an innocent suffer?  Every night I beg the PTB not to punish this baby.  If you’re a praying person, or a wishing person, please hope for a healthy baby for us.  People deserve second chances right?  I’d like to think that through all the tumult that Mamoru and I never lost our love for one another.  I can honestly say I’ve always loved him.  Love was never a problem.

The priorities in our household have shifted once again.  All my choices consider first this baby growing inside of me.  Should I go to this upcoming live show?  No, it’s very smoky in that particular venue.  Should I continue my diet?  No, while some aspects are okay overall it’s probably not best for the baby.  Should I continue riding my bike to Company H?  No, that’s too much exercise for the first trimester.  Can I use this medicine?  No, it’s harmful for the baby.  All decisions made have been for the well-being of my child.  If that isn’t the least selfish a person can be, I don’t know what is.  So I shouldn’t feel bad any longer right?  The funniest thing was that in my non-New Year’s Resolution post on Facebook I said I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions but this year I want to try to be less selfish.  At the time of the post I was of course preggo but I didn’t know it yet.  Maybe I’m on my way.

Meanwhile, Mamoru hit the hospital search hard today after I reminded him (via a crying fight) that it’s almost 7 weeks and I’d like to switch to a hospital at 8 weeks, so I can start using my coupons from the city office.  Mamoru has been dragging his feet on this for some time.  Perhaps this is him working on his atonement.  Nothing like a baby (and a hormonal wife) to light a fire under Mamoru.  We should be able to decide on a hospital today.

I’m still coughing a lot and still feeling a general yuck.  The past two days I’ve had diarrhea which isn’t due to dehydration.  It could be due to change in diet or the flu.  Like I said nothing about this pregnancy has been fun so far.  I had been eating a bit more though I’ve not felt like eating much today.  I’m going to try and choke down some crackers and ginger ale and watch the inevitable tire fire The Dark Tower will end up being.  I hope you’re well and anxiety isn’t bugging you like it is me.

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6 thoughts on “Atonement…

  1. Sorry you’re still sick. I hope you recover soon.

    Diarrhea is included as one of the “symptoms” you can tick on Fertility Friend so possibly it’s also a pregnancy/hormones thing? Maybe a combination of that and flu or that and diet, or all three.

    I’m not sure it’s healthy to go down the path of thinking in terms of atonement/punishment. I admit I haven’t always been the best girlfriend. I have started ridiculous fights because at least if we were arguing I felt like my boyfriend noticed I was there (yeah… not proud. But in my defence I was like 20/21. Basically still a child). It’s too easy to think maybe infertility is my “punishment” for past mistakes. Or maybe if I had changed my ways sooner he would have been on board with TTC before it was “too late”. There is no evidence that I would have been any more fertile before I turned 30, but I’ll always wonder. Dangerous territory. Thinking of your baby as a chance for atonement seems like a lot of pressure for the child – and also you. Yes, a miscarriage would feel like a “punishment”, but worrying that you deserve to be “punished” for something is not going to help when you’re already so anxious anyway. I don’t know… I feel like I’m not expressing myself very well.

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    1. No I understand what you’re saying. It’s part of anxiety beating me up all the time. I have no time for ups if anxiety is always bringing me down. I don’t mean to say that there will be any pressure put on the child to fix anything that happened in the past. I don’t know why my mind goes this way. I wish it didn’t and I could be happy and enjoy this pregnancy but I’ve not gotten to do much of that. I really truly want everything to be okay with this baby and deep down I want to hope for that and dream of holding my healthy baby but I’m still too scared to hope for things like that. I hope one day the anxiety wanes just enough for me to enjoy at least a small part of this pregnancy. 👏🏻

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