Life · Mental Health · Miscarriage · Pregnancy

From bad to fucking nightmare…

Last post I mentioned that things had been rough.  I had thought maybe with today’s doctors appointment things would be on the up and up.  How wrong I was.  I didn’t have to wait very long at the doctor before I was called in to have an ultrasound.  The ultrasound was not like anything before.  First, she searched around in there for what seemed like forever and my heart just fell on to the floor.  I knew there was some problem because all the other doctors had been able to find it quickly.  More searching yielded a sac but nothing inside.  I am 9 weeks and 2 days.  She couldn’t find anything inside the sac.  No fetus.  No heartbeat.  Nothing.  It was just a black sac on the screen.  She measured it but didn’t tell me the measurement, so I don’t know if the sac has gotten bigger or smaller.  I don’t understand this at all.  How could everything be fine on two separate ultrasounds, a heartbeat, a baby measuring fine, and then nothing?  It makes no sense.  Today I had my first experience with Japanese doctors’ total lack of bedside manner.  This doctor didn’t bother to look at my chart where the previous doctor had noted I have a history of MC.  She offered no comfort, nothing to make me feel better as I bawled my eyes out.

Now I can’t help but think is this my fault?  Are the PTB punishing me?  Did I buy baby stuff and maternity clothes too soon?  Have I been doing too much and not resting enough?  Why do I deserve this?  No one does.  No one deserves to lose a baby (let alone more than one baby).  But the worst part is that I don’t even know if I’ve lost this baby.  I don’t have any answers.  I have nothing.

If someone has a MC then she won’t feel pregnant any more.  Pregnancy symptoms generally just disappear.  I still have symptoms.  Number one being my boobs are sore as hell.  Why has one boob swollen up?  Also, why is my stomach huge?  When I lost my first baby, my stomach never looked like this.  In fact, I didn’t have many of the symptoms I have this time around leading me to believe that that baby probably died much sooner than the doctor thought.  Edit: I just read about missed MC where the baby has died but your body still thinks your pregnant and therefore you still feel pregnant.  Fuck my life could anything be worse?  I hope it’s not this.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers (if you do that).  I am wrecked, wrecked with anxiety right now.  Not giving an anxious person straight answers is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone with anxiety.  Because I have anxiety my brain has already told me many times over that this baby is gone.  This baby who is so loved already won’t even have a chance to experience life.  I really hope it’s some terrible fluke, and this doctor is just a shit doctor.  Hopefully, I’ll have some answers for you later this week.  Please please please let everything be okay in there.

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10 thoughts on “From bad to fucking nightmare…

  1. Omg, I’m so sorry I didn’t read this. I was off wordpress for a few days. I liked your latest comment before I had read it.

    This is bitter news. This isn’t fair. It’s not fair to have happiness ripped away like this.

    I wish I could do more. But you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Oh Pink…. I have been in your shoes girl. I dread ultrasounds now.. No matter what I feel like inside. It’s a horrible experience to have an ultrasound tech/doctor not tell you anything. I have had the same exact experience here 2 years ago when I was pregnant then…and you know that outcome mostly. I put off my ultrasound with this one until I absolutely couldn’t take it anymore at around 9 weeks. Even going fo my 20 week check didn’t happen until last Thursday… Why? Because I fear they would tell me something horrible. Why? Because of that one horrible and similar to you situation. Now I fear ultrasounds, where once they were a joyful experience. It fucking sucks that they take that from you. You are in my thoughts.

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  3. I like closure. The answer, good or bad, is always better than being in limbo. I’m so sorry. With this baby, I was told I was never pregnant (I was) there was nothing to see (she lied and refused to give me the sonogram) and not to come back until I actually had a reason to think I was. We are 30 weeks now. I hope your baby defies the docs, too.

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