Life · Miscarriage · Pregnancy

3…

Trigger Warning! Graphic verbal descriptions of miscarriage.

3% is the chance of MC after seeing or hearing a heartbeat.  As you know we saw a heartbeat at the 6 and 7 week ultrasounds.  Week 8 there was no ultrasound because the doctor deemed it unnecessary.  We’d start week 9 with and ultrasound and blood tests.  Well, you know what happened at week 9.  If not, please feel free to read about it here.

Today is 9 weeks and 3 days.  (See how these 3s just keep popping up?).  Because the doctor at my hospital was a bit of an asshole yesterday, I decided to visit another clinic today with a kinder doctor and a better ultrasound machine to get some answers.  He was able to find the embryo quite quickly.  However, the good news stops there.  The baby was measuring at 7 weeks gestation not 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat present.  Congratulations Usagi, you are now one of the 3%!  Of course, this 3% is not a club I ever wanted to belong to.  I cried in the ultrasound chair.  I cried while the doctor explained to my husband what was happening.  The doctor offered comfort and explained that it wasn’t my fault.  It was the baby’s fault.  It didn’t want to grow anymore.  I cried in the car as Mamoru drove me home.  I cried while walking to the house.  I cried in the 玄関, sobbing into Mamrou’s arms, and finally this is where he cried too.  I must have said “It’s not fair” a hundred times.  I apologized for killing our baby.  It’s obviously my fault again.  He said that was ridiculous.  It wasn’t my fault.  It was the baby’s fault.

Since we’re stuck on 3, 3 is now the grand total of babies I have lost.  I think losing 1 baby is too many but 3 is just beyond unfair.  Mamoru said the doctor recommended some options for seeing an infertility specialist who can ensure future embryos stay viable without having to do IVF or anything like that.  I told him I’m not ready to make that kind of decision.  How can I when I am currently carrying around a dead baby?  The doctor said I may bleed or I may not.  I’ll have to wait until my next scheduled ultrasound (next Tuesday).  At that time I can decide to have a D&C or wait until I start bleeding.  Past experience tells me I’d rather not wait since I remember my first MC all too well and all the pain involved.  Mamoru said the doctor said, they could investigate the cause of the MC and yes I told him that I want to know.  Of course, I want to know why my baby died.  I think this will help me decide whether we should even bother to try again.

Honestly, I can say that I didn’t want to be pregnant.  However, as the weeks passed with no MC and we saw a heartbeat and our growing miracle baby, I became increasingly more excited to have this baby.  I started buying baby stuff and maternity clothes.  What a fool I was.  Why did I think that Mamoru and I deserve to have a baby after we’ve endured so much hardship?  Why would I think the PTB would ever grant us a baby of our own?  He says that we have many options still.  He believes we’ll have our children.  I’m glad he believes this because I’m starting to lose hope.

I am sick and heartbroken.  I haven’t eaten anything for lunch.  It’s now almost dinner time.  I need to get in the shower, so I can cry some more in there.  I packed a lot of pads into my purse.  Would the PTB punish me by making me bleed while I was freelancing?  I hope they aren’t that godawfully cruel.  If they have any compassion, they’ll hold off the bleeding until I can schedule a D&C or they’ll have me bleed at night when I can crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom gushing blood like I did the first time I ever lost a baby, 21 years old scared shitless and by far the absolute worst moment of my life.  If this baby can be extracted prior to the bleeding then I think that would be a far kinder fate for both of us.

I almost forgot it’s Valentine’s Day.  My least favorite holiday of all just found a way to get exponentially worse.  I didn’t even think that was possible.

I held out being excited for so long, but unfortunately it wasn’t long enough.  I’m so sorry little moon baby.  I feel like I failed you.  I really would loved to have met you.  I think you would have been a special guy.

 

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7 thoughts on “3…

  1. You are not a fool. It may or may not ease your pain to know, but the statistic about a 3% miscarriage rate after a detected heartbeat is outdated, and makes those of us who lose babies feel like we’ve done something catastrophically wrong to have invited such a rare tragedy into our lives. We are not rare, inexplicable cases. We fell on the wrong side of 12-15%. We felt joy and hope and we deserved to revel in those moments. Chromosomes met in a way that was incompatible with continued development, and our time was up, but for a couple of blissful months, we were Mothers. To this angel: you were his home, his safe space, his EVERYTHING. I hope the genetic odds roll in your favor if/when you decide to try again, and in the meantime, I hope you and your little one get answers that will bring healing and closure.

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  2. This was hard to read. I know there is never a good time for an MC, but fucking Valentine’s Day?!

    You cry as much as you need. Let it all out. It took me months to stop crying over my MC. I still cry.

    This isn’t fucking fair.

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  3. Fuck… I’m so sorry. I really did think this was it for you.

    OF COURSE you and Mamoru deserve a baby. This is not a punishment for anything you’ve done. You are a nice person, and anyway NOTHING you could have done would make you deserve this. Honestly, if “deserving” came into any of this I know many people with children who would absolutely not be parents. And this absolutely NOT your fault. You did NOT kill your baby… but it’s not the baby’s either. That makes it sound like your baby “decided” to stop growing. Nobody is it fault. It happened and it’s shit but there is no blame. Hopefully they will be able to find out what happened and that will go some way to helping you heal. Please take care of yourself (I know – easier said than done). You are in my thoughts.

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  4. You are not alone. I know that it feels like that but you are not alone. MC suck in so many ways. I completely shut down when mine happened. I crawled into myself and didn’t want to talk about it with anyone including my husband. It took us 6 years with a MC after 3 to even conceive our son. It’s been 4 years now since our loss. I will never forget that child. I was that 3% as well. I have at least one baby in heaven waiting on me and one here on earth. It is never easy. But again, you are not alone.

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  5. J…. I literally just have tears for you girl… I can’t even put a sentence together to explain why I understand. You have my heart and thoughts behind you. Heal yourself, it’s not your fault. 😦

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