Adoption · Life · Miscarriage

Cleaning up…

Today I have two freelance meetings.  Not back to back so I’ll have a short break in between.  Luckily, one meeting dropped from 2 hours down to 1 which makes me feel better with bleeding on the horizon.  The sky is gray today.  Fitting.  Rain is on the horizon.  Also fitting.  I hate rain.  I hate cloudy days and cold weather, but it seems to match the cloud around my heart and the rainstorm in my soul.

Last night I gave Mamoru his Valentine’s food.  I made cinnamon donuts with chocolate sauce, deviled eggs and a pizza with heart toppings.  Mamoru held my hand at dinner.  He came to bed early with me.  He held me as I told my mom the baby had died (more tears).  I told her not to send me the maternity and baby stuff she was going to send.  (However, I still have a multitude of packages coming from eBay.)  Mamoru held me most of the night (even more tears) and held me again in the morning after we had separated and drifted to sleep.  I woke up at 4AM and had some trouble falling back asleep.  When I woke up, he hadn’t left for work yet.  We embraced many times (more tears) and I sent him off to work.  I wish I was going to work instead of miscarrying.

This morning I told Luna.  I left the Facebook pregnancy group.  I packed away all my maternity clothes.  I took the maternity badge off my bag and put away all the baby papers from the city office.  I unfollowed the pregnancy charts on Kindara.  (I literally cannot with pregnancy and happy mamas right now.)  I watched a little Narcos.  I called Naru to tell her the awful news (more tears).  My mom messaged to check on me and asked if she could tell my sister.  I told her no.  There’s a reason I didn’t tell my fertile sister in the first place.  My sister who wanted a baby and got one almost instantly.  Sorry not sorry but this news is not for her.  The last of the maternity clothes are in the wash.  I still need to wash the baby carrier and put it away.  It remains out.  In view.  This is what happens with a later MC.  With an earlier MC, there’s nothing to pack away.  Nothing to hide.  Maybe the couple hasn’t bought anything or begun to prepare.  This is easier, I think.  Packing away all that stuff reminded me that it was all bought for nothing.  For a baby that’s too comfortable to come out quickly (once passed) but not comfortable enough to stay alive.

Mamoru offered me some money.  He said I could go shopping.  I told him I didn’t feel like it.  I said I just went shopping (for clothes I can’t wear now).  That’s how bad this is.  Shopping is one of my favorite things and I don’t feel like doing it.  I can’t seem to find joy in anything.  He is going to book an afternoon tea for us though.  We love going to afternoon tea but the weekends in February are packed with adoption meetings, so we’ll go in March.  Hopefully, the baby will have been evicted by then as I’d like to have this taken care of sooner rather than later.  I can’t remember the recovery time.  I do remember after the surgery crawling into my sister’s bed and sleeping for an eternity.

The days ahead are terrifying.  I don’t know when I’ll start bleeding and that is a really scary thought.  I’m hoping it’s after the surgery.

I guess that’s it.  I hope you’re well.  I am not.


3 thoughts on “Cleaning up…

  1. I hope you don’t bleed until after the D&C. It is so much worse. I miscarried a few years ago – at home – and I blocked the memories until recently. I cried myself to sleep and kept sleeping for nearly a week. I guess that’s all I can advise: your body and heart may continue to hurt for a while, but sleep can heal so much, and helps to pass the time and dull the edge of that pain. I pray you have the support around you to lend you strength in the meantime. You deserve a baby, and I hope little feet find their way into your home soon.


  2. I’m soo sorry about your loss. I totally understand how you feels, I just went through this two months ago. I’m not going to say that it is going to be easy to be emotionally healed from it, but eventually it will get better. Just take your time to heals and release the emotions. I’m praying for you.


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