Adoption · Life · Miscarriage

Autopilot…

Yesterday, I was walking home from the station after my freelance meeting.  I popped into the supermarket and on my way out almost tripped over a mother and son.  While I was walking back home that same mother and son passed me on a bicycle and the two of them were humming “Can’t Take My Eyes off You” but only the horn part which plays before the chorus: “I love you baby! And if it’s quite alright I need you baby to warm the lonely night.”  It was such a beautiful moment but so heartbreaking for me.  I want this.  Where’s my partner in crime to sing on the bicycle with me?  Or that’s right.  That partner died.  This is the worst kind of anxiety I think.  Not knowing exactly if and when I’m going to start bleeding.

Mamoru spoke to one hospital today, and they told him the soonest I could get in for a D&C would be Monday the 26th (ten days from now aka an eternity), but not before doing blood tests.  I don’t know if my regular hospital will be able to do it sooner.  I feel like the later I schedule it the more I tempt fate and every slight bit of wetness has me running to the bathroom.  I’ve taken to sleeping in thick jammie bottoms so as not to stain my sheets.  My urine has changed from it’s pregnant fluorescent to normal straw-colored.  I’m assuming that means hCG has dropped off.  My boobs are still a little sore (not to mention still different sizes) but the pain seems to be decreasing.  I’m assuming this means bleeding is on the horizon, but of course I can’t be sure.

Today I got my hair cut.  I resemble a human person now.  In my defense I had it scheduled before I learned about the MC.  I don’t really know how to process this loss since the baby is still in there.  I am hoping I can do better dealing with it after it’s actually literally gone.  Mamoru and I had lunch today.  Tomorrow we’ll go to our local institution for Part 3 of the program to adopt through them.  We missed Part 2 because he had to work, so we’ll have to make it up next term.  If the bleeding can hold off until after that seminar tomorrow, that’d be great.

I guess that’s it.  Feeling numb.  Just existing.  Feel like I’m on autopilot.

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