Life · Miscarriage

10 and 3…

Today I would have been 10 weeks pregnant.  What a milestone!  10 weeks if our miracle baby hadn’t died.  Our miracle baby who never even had a real chance.  It’s been 3 weeks.  Three weeks since the embryo died.  Three weeks it’s been rotting and decaying inside of me.  It still hasn’t come out.  I kind of wish I would start bleeding (even though I know how painful it is), so I can get the fuck out of limbo.  I’m in physical limbo.  The remains are still in there but dead.  I’m in emotional limbo.  I can’t really process any feelings because nothing has really happened.  I just know the baby is dead, but it’s still in there.

I’ve not been responding to comments on here, Kindara, or the TTC Facebook group.  What can I say?  Thank you for the condolences regarding the loss of my dead baby who never even got a chance to form into a proper baby?  Thank you for thinking of me while I feel like every inch of happiness is ripped from me?  Yeah basically I’ll just hold off on commenting for now.

Mamoru and I made lots of snack foods today including potato skins, guac, a veggie tray, coleslaw and then watched It which was really good.  I was very impressed with all the child actors in the film.  Man in my day child actors were super crap.  These days they are quite good (see “Stranger Things” for more evidence of that).

I’m not sure what else I can say.  My heart hurts.  I ate too much for “lunch” and I have a sore throat.  I’m also pregnant not pregnant and that is the worst feeling of all.  I hope your days are better than mine.  I mean how can they not be right?  (Though forgive my assumptions but I don’t know anyone else who’s dealing with being pregnant not pregnant right now).  Anyway, I better go lest I say some really angry bitter things.  Be well.

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