I have to go to the clinic today for blood tests. These blood tests will determine if and when I can schedule a D&C. I don’t know if this is the routine. Last time I started bleeding then had a D&C. This time I hope to schedule it before bleeding. I have anxiety about going to this clinic by myself since no one there can speak English. Medical Japanese is so very difficult, and I hate not understanding what is happening with my health. I tried to express this to Mamoru last night, but it just turned into an ugly fight. And I mean ugly. Sobbing, sobbing, and more sobbing, punching the bed, hitting my head against the wall, hitting myself and in the midst of it all Mamoru thought it would be a good idea to throw the word divorce out there. He remains a master of impeccable timing. Suffice to say it wasn’t our finest hour(s). I don’t understand (prepare for a generalization here) why Japanese people aren’t taught empathy. Rei is the only Japanese person I’ve ever met who has ever shown any empathy to me. Mamoru certainly doesn’t understand how to do this. In fact, his way of dealing with emotions is to suppress the hell out of them until they go away. I don’t think this is healthy either but he says this is the way he wants to do it. It’s also how he wants to deal with our MC too which leaves me in a bit of emotional dead zone. He says I should reach out to other people. Who? Who has time or the interest to talk to me about our MC? My pregnant group members? My friends who have their babies already? My childfree friends? My distant mother? Who cares about me? These days I feel like no one does. It’s such a lonely isolating feeling. Stuck in limbo. Pregnant not pregnant. And with a husband who is present not present. Granted Mamoru remains the master of physical support. I’ve told him this many times, and I continue to thank him for all his help. Emotional support, however, is where he falters. It’s a good thing I will be the primary caregiver if the PTB ever see fit to give us children. I will teach my children empathy. They will learn how to support others in times of pain. This will not make them weak. It will make them human.
I am crying again typing this. It seems the tears are never ending these days. I am always alone while Mamoru is at work, trying to be strong enough to make it through the days with a MC on the horizon (and trust me I’d rather be at work than losing a baby any day of the week). I feel like I am not strong enough to do this. I am not strong enough to overcome losing another baby. I am not strong enough for anything these days. I don’t want to get up. My head it throbbing. I can’t see through the tears any more. But I have to get up. I have to force myself to be okay when I am anything but okay. It is already starting out to be a bad mental health week.