Adoption · Life · Mental Health · Miscarriage

Getting things ready…

The blood tests they did yesterday for liver and kidney checks, etc and for Hepatitis A&B and HIV all came back good and clean.  My D&C is scheduled for Monday, February 26th.  I’ll be in the clinic from 9AM to 5PM (roughly).  Last night Mamoru and I went back to the clinic, so the nurse could explain the procedure to him.  Additionally, they will do a screening to determine what caused this MC.  All ducks are in a row.

This morning I went to my regular hospital with Mamoru to have an ultrasound to confirm the baby is in fact dead (even though I already knew this) and to talk about next steps.  The baby did show on ultrasound so very very tiny (and actually was kind of shaped like a baby) but of course there was no heartbeat.  Apparently this baby was not a big enough miracle to restart its own heart.  I mentioned already that I didn’t like this doctor, but Mamoru understood why when she spent the whole time talking to him and not even looking at me.  What’s worse is that when I asked her a question in English, she responded to Mamoru in Japanese.  WTF?!?!  We were told to see this doctor because she could speak English.  We decided that was probably false.  Furthermore, she suggested that I just wait two weeks and let the MC happen naturally.  What?  Why?  Also, they wouldn’t do a screening to find out why the MC occurred.  Just vacuum it out and call it a day.  I told Mamoru first “Fuck nature.  Nature hasn’t been too kind to me these days.”  Give me modern medicine any day.  Why do I need to wait?  I posed the question on the TTC group and to Luna and so far the consensus has been do the damn D&C.  Don’t wait if you don’t have to.  Yeah, that’s where I’m at.  It will definitely be better for my physical health and a million times better for my mental health (which is slowly deteriorating in the wake of this MC).

So the D&C remains scheduled at the other clinic and not my main hospital (because fuck those bitches).  This is the first surgery I’ve ever had in Japan.  I’m a little nervous about it, but I mean I trust this clinic worlds more than the hospital.

Company H is having a dinner party tonight.  I was going to go, but I’ve not felt much like smiling the past two days.  The thought of putting on a fake smile makes me want to vomit, so I made up an excuse about being sick.  I do have freelance meetings but that’s only a fake smile for one hour of the day.  I think I can eke that out.

Also, in the wake of this MC we’ve been passed over for 3 babies on the online NPO.  They were all adopted by others.  I wish we could just have our babies.  It’s so unfair.  Speaking of unfair, last night I stumbled on yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  They have one child already barely a year old.  Fertility is just so easy for some.  I was so angry I just hid the post.  I didn’t like it, I didn’t comment, I just hid happiness shoved in the faces of the infertile.  I could say “It’s not fair” a million times while sobbing, and someone who has never experienced it would still never feel the pain of wanting a family so badly but being denied one time and again.  If that’s you, consider yourself fortunate.  Hug your babies tight.  But I shouldn’t have to be forced to look at it.

That’s all.  Mental health level low.  Smiles not happening.  Head throbbing.  Still pregnant not pregnant.

3 thoughts on “Getting things ready…

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