Adoption · Japan · Life · Mental Health · Miscarriage

Roller coaster…

Hi all.  I’m checking in with about T-minus 13.5 hours until my D&C.  Today has been a fucking roller coaster (and not one of those fun ones either).  It’s been a roller coaster that you only need to go on once and then swear off doing it again. I’m in bed for the rest of the night and it’s not really near bedtime yet.

This morning I had some brownish blood.  Today Mamoru and I had to spend all day in an adoption seminar for yet another NPO we’ve applied to adopt with.  So I put on a pad and prayed that nothing would happen.  I don’t want our adoption to be delayed any further than it has to since it might be our only chance to have a child at this point.  The seminar went smoothly (as in nothing happened blood wise).  However, they had group work on the schedule all day which I was dreading already but my anxiety hit an all time high when they split Mamoru and I up (basically he’s my translator for these things).  After they split us up, they asked some questions.  We had to write our answers down and then read them out loud in front of our group.  If you want to make me have the worst anxiety ever then do this to me.  Force me to speak in front of people I don’t know in a language not my own.  Mamoru helped with with the questions and then wrote my answers in hiragana based Japanese, but I still had to read them out loud.  I don’t even know if my voice was audible, and I almost started crying more than once.  After that agonizing activity, they took us back for a private interview.  We’ll know within a week if we’ve been approved to adopt with them.  (As an aside one of my answers in the group work was chosen as the day’s best.  In response to the question why adoption over fostering I said “I have too much love to welcome a child as my own and then have to give him or her up.”  Mamoru said I should be proud.)

As we waiting in line at Dean & DeLuca for our To Go dinner, I felt some wetness so I rushed off to the bathroom leaving Mamoru in line.  There was a little bit of red/brown blood and a string of tissue.  After we got home there was nothing more, so as I mentioned earlier I’m on self-imposed bed rest for the remainder of the evening (and it’s not quite 8PM).  I’ll finish watching “Narcos” and then probably take some Advil PM and call it a night.  The less I do and the sooner 9AM gets here the better.  Please keep me in your thoughts or at least tell the bleeding to stay away because if I’m rushed to the hospital (instead of the clinic where the D&C is scheduled), they won’t check to see why this MC happened, and I need to know.  I need to know if we should just give up forever or try once more.

Today was a roller coaster.  I’ve been either anxious or scared most of the day.  It’s not been the best of days, but it’s almost over, and Mamoru will be with me until the anesthesia checks me out tomorrow, and when I wake up, he’ll be there.  That’s what I’m looking forward to (seeing my husband when I wake up).  When I wake up tomorrow, a little piece of me will be gone, but that’s what life does.  It adds and subtracts constantly.  Hopefully, it  won’t keep us waiting too long until it decides to add.  I can’t handle much more subtraction.  Thank you for reading, for your positive vibes, and all your well wishes.  I read them all, and I appreciate them all (even if I’m not feeling up to answering much these days).  Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

One thought on “Roller coaster…

  1. Shit I am so sorry to hear what’s going on… My miscarriage was at 9 weeks as well and I didn’t feel anything different either because I was on all the IVF drugs… the apathy is ridiculous from doctors and so many others when we lose our babies… I will say only what I asked people to say to me: it sucks, it’s fucked, and I’m sorry. Hugs…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s