Life · Mental Health

February, go fuck yourself…

February 2018 what a shit storm you turned out to be.  Let’s recap shall we?

  1. Barely recovered from a 2 week bout of the flu.
  2. Lost our miracle baby at around 7 weeks.
  3. Miracle baby’s loss was confirmed on Valentine’s Day.
  4. D&C performed at 11 weeks, 1 day.
  5. And let’s add almost being hit by a car to the list.

Today I while was taking Small Lady for a short walk this morning, we came across a small intersection. Now you should know I walk her around our neighborhood where there are not busy streets nor a lot of cars. When we got to the intersection, a car got there. The car stopped and so I proceeded to cross. As I did, the car slammed on the gas and accelerated through the intersection just barely missing hitting us. I screamed obscenities at him in English and then cried the rest of the walk home.  Then I when I got home I cried a lot more.  Mamoru called to see if I was okay, and I cried some more.  Then, I ate so many jelly beans that I feel a little sick now.

Surely, I couldn’t have been that upset at almost being hit by a car.  I suppose a lot of those emotions came out due to the loss of our child.  It’s so hard to process a MC especially when it’s a child you wanted so badly.  I’m sure I should expect more bursts of emotions like this.  I can’t recall how long it took to get over my first MC.  I was very young then and even though I had agreed to raise the child, I had no desire to be with the father.  This situation is different.  Mamoru and I decided consciously to have a child, tried and failed to get pregnant, got pregnant which was a chemical, had a hard bout, decided to adopt our children, got pregnant and miscarried.  How could so much befall two people who are not perfect people but who do their best given their circumstances?  How do people continue on?  How do I continue on?

It’s February 28th.  It’s the last day of this horrible horrible month.  I couldn’t be happier to say goodbye to this clusterfuck of a month.  My plan today is to hide inside, watch “The Frankenstein Chronicles”, and quite possibly take a nap.  So to February, good fucking riddance.  Fuck off and go fuck yourself.

2 thoughts on “February, go fuck yourself…

  1. I think the almost being killed probably gave you a rush of adrenaline and then brought on all the emotions of everything else you’ve been dealing with. I haven’t had anywhere near as a hard a time as you, but February hasn’t been my favourite month ever either so I shall join you in telling it to fuck off!


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