It’s March 1st in Japan. Though March is often blighted with gray skies in this country, it’s still a great Month. The weather starts to get warmer little by little, and the 梅 is in full bloom, and toward the end of the month the 桜 start to bloom. The parks look beautiful. Since February had so much ugly, I’m welcoming March with open arms. It’s time to see some beauty in my world.
My uncle died two Christmases ago. Last Christmas my mom was saying she was feeling sad. I reminded her that the universe adds and subtracts all the time. The universe decided to subtract my uncle, but they added his daughter, my long lost cousin. When she was about 7, her crazy mother decided to leave her with her boss (forever) while my uncle was in jail. After that the family lost touch with her, and she grew up raised by her loving adopted parents. After my uncle died, my mom and my aunt were able to find her, and we found she is a wonderful person. We welcomed her into the family with open arms. The universe subtracted my uncle but added my cousin. Similarly the universe subtracted our baby, so I feel like an addition will hopefully be coming soon. (At least that’s my hope.)
Last night I had a cry in Mamoru’s arms. I swear sometimes he is the only thing holding me together. However, we got some good news yesterday, but I’m not sure I want to type it out here yet lest I jinx it. I’ll just say this is the first time that this has happened, and I’m feeling hopeful and keeping everything crossed.
I also had a big reading day yesterday. I started and finished We Have Always Lived in the Castle, and I also started reading From Pain to Parenthood: A Journey Through Miscarriage to Adoption. I didn’t know if I would be okay reading this book right now, but it’s incredibly cathartic. All of my feelings and emotions about the MC are validated within the first three chapters. It’s like someone took hold of my hands, looked into my eyes and said “I get it” and “It’s okay to feel this way.” What especially hit me was when she said that people told her she could have another baby, and she thought that she didn’t want another baby. She wanted that baby (as in the baby she lost). That’s exactly how I felt. I really wanted the baby I lost, and I often imagined what he’d look like and be like. So this book has been very helpful for me so far. I know she was able to adopt because well it’s in the title and she talks about her daughter a little in the beginning too. That also gives me hope. Where adoption is concerned my hope rises and falls because I feel like the fact that I’m not fluent often works against me. I’m always saying to Mamoru: “That went badly didn’t it?” But he swears that’s never the case. I know adoption takes time. And just like my uncle/cousin situation described above, they didn’t find my cousin immediately. It took some time.
There’s some good right now with the start of March. I can only hope things continue to go up and up. I hope your week is going nicely. Be well.