Adoption · Life · Miscarriage

Good & bad…

I guess that’s just how some days are…good & bad.  Today was arctic.  I’m so tired of the cold.  Where are our warm days?  Hurry up spring!  Nonetheless, Mamoru and I went out this afternoon and did our EX Raids after I made breakfast crepes.  After that we both got ready.  While I was getting ready, I got a message from Mimi.  I’ve been trying to meet up with her since February.  She told me she was busy then, so let’s try March.  Well, I messaged her a like a week ago and got no response until today.  She sent me a message saying she was busy this month too.  I was a bit annoyed, but that wasn’t what sent me into tears.  I started crying after I read her message that said she was having a girl.  It was littered with hearts.  She was so happy, so I simply said “congrats” and cried into Mamoru’s arms.  That fresh off a FB notification from an acquaintance revealing the gender of her baby to be a girl as well.  It’s too much.  It’s too much for one day.  My god people don’t understand.  If you’ve never experienced the pain of infertility or the agony of MC, how could you possibly understand?  It’s like needles to the heart.  Painful.  Painful.

I finished getting ready and moped the rest of the walk to the station, the train ride, and still sad finally met Rei for dinner.  She managed to make me laugh and make me forget about all the bad shit that had happened recently.  She’s such a good friend.  We ate 串カツ and then went to the pop up Sailor Moon café nearby.  I bought tons of useless junk like keychains, socks, a pen, some stickers with my name on them.  I didn’t need any of that, but it made me feel better to buy some things for myself.  I hadn’t seen Rei since Christmas, but it felt like almost no time had passed between us.  I love friends like that.  Those are the best kind of friends.  I thanked her many times for helping me forget all the shit that has happened recently.  Most of the shit she doesn’t even know about.  It’s not because I don’t trust her.  It’s because I honestly don’t feel like dredging up everything and being a sad sack all the time.  I want to have fun again.  I want to smile.  I want to be happy.  It seems a lot of days I can’t remember what happiness is, and I hate feeling like that.

In other news no word from the NPO about our home visit.  Waiting and waiting.  Always waiting.  My arms are empty.  I’m waiting for a baby to fill them.  Mamoru always says sooner or later, but I wish I could meet my children sooner rather than later.  I have so much love to give them.

I hope your weekend isn’t as cold as mine.  Be well.

9 thoughts on “Good & bad…

  1. It’s not that cold here any more, but today is mother’s day in the UK so I’m sure you can imagine how much Facebook timeline looks. Today I called my mum and told her we’ve been ttc, tests have found nothing and we will most likely be trying IUI soon. Swiss/German mother’s day is in May so I still have that to look forward to. Yay.

    I hope you get some good news soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our Mother’s Day is in May too. I used to have no problem with it but ever since we started and routinely failed, I don’t like it very much. I hope IUI works for you. It’s cheaper and fewer drugs than IVF.

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      1. Thank you! Not only is IUI cheaper, it is also covered by health insurance in Switzerland while IVF is not, so if we have to progress to IVF we’ll be paying for it ourselves. 3 rounds of IUI are covered, after that we’re on our own.

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