Adoption · Japan · Life · Mental Health · Miscarriage · Music · Weight Loss

This week…

This week is White Day.  I’ve talked about White Day before, but just as a refresher it’s a bullshit Asian holiday where the man is supposed to reciprocate his lady’s Valentine’s Day gift (multiplied by 2 or 3).  I made Mamoru some donuts with chocolate sauce and some pizza for Valentine’s Day, but that day was full of heartbreak as it was the day we officially learned that our miracle baby had died.  So my gift to him was 0, nothing, worse than nothing a MC.  I guess 0 multiplied by 0 is 0 which is what my gift would be.  Mamoru, however, keeps asking me what I want for White Day.  I abhor Valentine’s Day/White Day.  Why is this even a holiday?  I remember when I was in high school it was full of girls carrying roses and stuffed bears, but I only carried my school bag.  When I found out how it worked in Asia I disliked this holiday even more.  Anyway, I keep telling Mamoru the same thing every time he asks: “I want a baby.”  Now I know, of course, that this is something he physically cannot give me at this point, but this way I cannot be disappointed if he does get me something or even if he gets me nothing.  That’s just how adoption works unfortunately.  We could get a baby on Thursday or two months from Thursday or two years from Thursday.  (I hope it’s one of the earlier.)  STILL no word from the NPO about our home visit.  I’m chalking it up to being the weekend.  Now that it’s Monday let’s have some good news this week and then maybe I won’t loathe White Day so much anymore.

Today is a lovely sunny day.  It’s not warmed up much but I thought I’d ride my bike to a nearby park and photograph some 梅 (plum blossoms).  I’m hoping they’ll be in full bloom and not all gone.  My Japanese teacher couldn’t do a lesson today, so I have the whole day free.  My plan is to go to the park and then watch some more “Jessica Jones” and relax.  I have to go to Company H this week but it will undoubtedly be dead and boring as fuck.  I hope to get some reading done.

In other news the scale is not climbing down at all, and I’m getting really frustrated.  I am trying to do everything that I did before (only I haven’t been riding my bike much) but it’s not working.  Right now I’ve been hanging around 64kg (141lbs).  I know this is not fat (but just barely in normal BMI) especially compared to where I was before, but this this not where I personally want to be.  My goal is still 60kg (132lbs).  Before I knew I was pregnant I was 60.9kg which means I have gained 4kg (8lbs) since Christmas.  This would be okay if I was still pregnant, but I’m not and I don’t think an egg sac weighs 8kg (more on that in a minute).  I chalk this weight gain up to being depressed, lying around the house, being cold as fuck, and eating because I’m bored.  I need to get back to a normal routine which involves riding my bike more (fuck you weather), eating better (fuck you carbs), and not being so sedentary (fuck you depression).  Hopefully, this all starts today.

Speaking of the egg sac as far as I know it’s still in there.  The medicine the doctor gave me (which is finished today hallelujah) did nothing but turn my insides into liquid.  I’m happy to be finished with these pills.  I have to go back to the clinic next week for another ultrasound, and they will decide what to do then.  Who knows what new and interesting drug side effects I’ll be experiencing after that.  This is by far the longest most drawn out MC I’ve ever had, and I’ve been over it for about a month now.

I guess that’s it.  I’ve been putting off breakfast long enough.  I hope you had a lovely weekend.  Be well.

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