Adoption · Japan · Life · Miscarriage

This week so far…

Well I completely mixed up White Day. I thought it was Thursday (today) and it turns out it was Wednesday (yesterday). As I’m sure you can easily guess, I didn’t get my White Day present of a baby, but that’s okay since I don’t believe in miracles anymore (after the loss of our miracle baby). Anyway, Mamoru surprised me with a preserved rose, strawberry meringues, and a gorgeous bottle of red eiswein. He also wrote out a heartfelt card assuring we’d get our babies. He said he was thankful for the Valentine’s Day stuff even though it was a hard time and that served to remind me of our MC, so I sat and sobbed into his arms a bit. Lately I have been feeling guilty. Maybe I hadn’t been sad long enough. It turns out I’m still sad (and maybe I’ll always feel a pang of sadness when I think about it years from now). I’ve just been consumed with all things adoption which has been a welcome distraction from the MC (but STILL no word about our home visit). Anyway, White Day was good even though I got to spend only about an hour with Mamoru and then he ruined it by falling asleep on the sofa last night. He had been much better until recently. Every night in the bed but lately (like within the last week) it’s every other night in the bed. I expressed how sad this made me especially because I was feeling extra sad last night thinking about the MC.

I finished reading From Pain to Parenthood: A Journey Through Miscarriage to Adoption. I really recommend it if you’re on the same path as me (multiple MCs which lead to choosing adoption). The author Deanna Kahler is really good at expressing the feelings I’ve felt many times over. She just gets it like only one who has been there can. At one point she says that you shouldn’t put your life on hold while waiting. Unfortunately, that’s what Mamoru and I have done. We wanted to go to Guam, but because we don’t really know when we’ll receive a baby, we decided to wait on that vacation. Now I’m thinking maybe we should just book it. It’s been forever since Mamoru and I went somewhere just the two of us. Kahler just recommends that you make sure anything you plan can be canceled. Besides the trip to Guam there’s a big music festival I want to go to in August (which sounds like it’s years away) but I’m hesitant to buy a ticket because what if we have a baby before then? Of course, what if we don’t and the tickets sell out? I’m constantly questioning what to plan for the future because when we’ll have a baby isn’t clearly defined. What would you do?

This week I’ve been at Company H as per usual. It’s been boring as fuck and no one’s been here. However, being back on the bicycle has been glorious. This week it’s been in the 20s (or 70s for you US readers). The sun has been shining every day, and there have been no clouds. It’s so nice. I wish every day was like this, but colder temperatures are expected to return next week along with yucky rain. How much am I looking forward to that? Not much. Now, however, the weather is lovely and the 梅 is in full bloom.

On Saturday we’re off to a nearby city (about 2 hours away) to attend an adoption seminar with a new NPO. We’ll stay in a fancy hotel and pig out at their delicious buffet. There’s a bath and a pool there which I’m really looking forward to. However, I left all my swimsuits in the US (figuring I wouldn’t need them here). I was gonna pop into Forever 21 on Friday before my freelance work and pick up a cheap one, but I found one on Amazon that will arrive tomorrow morning (thanks to Prime). Plus, it’s super cute too.

I guess that’s it. I’m really looking forward to our mini vacation. Who knows? Maybe we’ll plan a real vacation soon. Be well.

One thought on “This week so far…

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