Japan · Life · Mental Health

Anxiety…please…please stop…

I noticed some tiny bumps on my palm last night, so I spent about an hour with Dr. Google and convinced myself I’m dying (all the while having to sift through super nasty photos).  After that I realized maybe it’s a burn since I dropped hot enchilada sauce on my palm.  I went to bed safe in the thought that I wouldn’t in fact die and that it should clear up shortly.

Fast forward to today.  After washing the dishes I noticed the bumps had appeared in a different location beneath my thumb near my wrist.  I examined the bumps but thought there wasn’t much I could do about it that moment and decided to take a shower.  During my shower, I noticed that the bumps had spread to my wrist and about halfway to my elbow on my inner arm.  Before that I thought maybe it was this Korean lotion Rei gave me causing an allergic reaction, but I only used it on my hands not my arms.  I rubbed some (expired) Benedryl cream on it and went back to Dr. Google.  Now, do I have scabies?  It’s scabies, isn’t it?  I was in the hospital.  What if the sheets had bed bugs?  It takes about 3 weeks for scabies symptoms to appear, and I was in the hospital 3 weeks ago.  Do I have the measles?  I’ve been vaccinated, so I shouldn’t.  What if my vaccination expired?  Is it some kind of dermatitis?  Is it heat rash?  WHAT IS IT?!?!  I’ve looked at a ton of (gross) pictures, and I could probably tell you what it’s not.  I wish I could say what it is.  And then we once again return to the joy of living in a foreign country.  I cannot just walk into the doctor’s office and get help.  I suppose I could wave my arm in front of the doctor’s face an flail about, but the very thought of that makes me even more anxious than I already am.  I’m afraid to ask my husband for help for fear he’ll just tell me he’s too busy and to do it myself (even though he literally did not do that at all when I was pregnant and attended a number of appointments with me).  So I went on the Facebook group for my city and asked about a skin doctor that speaks English.  I got a recommendation right away, but it turns out they’re closed on Thursday.  I found another one online, also closed on Thursday.  I guess that means I get to monitor this until tomorrow and go to the doctor then.  Hopefully, I won’t die of this rash nor will I die of anxiety (which is actually worse I think).

I hate this.  I really do.  How do some people live in a foreign country so confidently?  I feel like a big fraud here.  I wish there was some magic that made me fluent in Japanese.  I wish it was an easier language to learn.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish I hadn’t forgotten so much.  I swear I used to be better at this language.  Also, I feel like maybe I haven’t made much progress in the past year with my teacher (and had better teachers in my previous city), so I did a couple things.  I posted an ad online looking for a new teacher.  I started the hunt for a new Japanese textbook.  I asked the same group for a recommendation (which has been less than helpful so far), asked my old Japanese teacher for a recommendation, and I started looking around online.  I don’t understand why my brain is so dumb where Japanese is concerned.  Anyway, I found a couple new books.  Hopefully, I can find a new teacher as well.

I guess that’s it.  I’ve been trying to write this post all afternoon, but just writing this is causing me anxiety.  Now that I’m done I’m gonna distract myself with The Walking Dead.  Be well.

6 thoughts on “Anxiety…please…please stop…

  1. I don’t think you’ll die of a rash.
    I get stress dermatitis, mostly on my hands but sometimes it appears on my legs as well. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately so it could be that. My sister has had scabies and it’s incredibly itchy, especially at night.

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      1. Also, it’s worth noting that I think you’ll make a great mom someday as I totally read “I don’t think you’ll die of a rash” in a mom voice.

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