I don’t even know where to begin. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Every inch of my body hurts, and my heart aches as well. It’s been a weekend for the books. That’s for sure.
I guess I’ll start with the physical pain. I did yoga yesterday for the first time in what seemed like decades. It’s been maybe 6 months since I did yoga. Michiru, Kotono, and Kunzite were there. I gave Kunzite a warm hug, Michiru a cheerful “hello”, and Kotono a chilly “hi”. I struggled through the poses and didn’t have time to chat with anyone after because Mamoru was picking me up for lunch. We had a lovely vegan set lunch, and Mamoru purchased a ton of bread from their local baker, and after we sat and had a chat.
This is where things got ugly. I told him I didn’t feel like trying to get pregnant ourselves again. I said I would visit the fertility doctor and listen to what the doctor had to say, but beyond that I don’t know. This is my compromise because I want to quit TTC altogether. Suddenly out of nowhere without any prior discussion, Mamoru suggested surrogacy. I was taken aback because surrogacy is illegal in Japan (stupid I know), so it’s never been an option for us. To do surrogacy, we’d have to go through some back channels and hire a surrogate in another country to carry our baby. This whole situation makes me feel really apprehensive and the anxiety kicked in good. I started crying and argued that it made me feel uncomfortable to give our money to a back channel operation and to put our baby in the womb of someone we didn’t know. I also argued this made us vulnerable. I explained to Mamoru that this isn’t how surrogacy is done in the US. Usually a woman picks someones she knows well and trusts with her life such as an incredibly close friend or family member. I went on to say that I just cannot put our time and money into one more thing. I said we’ve put our time and money in adoption already. We’ve put our time and money into my fertility. He argued we haven’t spent any money on fertility. Well maybe HE hasn’t, but I’ve spent an awfully large amount of money on things like pregnancy tests, OPK, vitamins to improve fertility, Pre-Seed and other things that I can’t buy here in Japan (add on some expensive shipping in some cases). Now obviously, I’m not stupid. I know this pales in comparison to the costs of IUI/IVF. My point is we have spent money on it. What’s more is we’ve spent more than 2 years of our lives TTC. This is time long gone. We can’t ever get it back. I told him I cannot. I cannot put any of myself into something that is risky and doesn’t guarantee us anything. Who knows if my eggs are even viable? I can barely handle medical care in Japan. Like I want to have my eggs extracted from doctors in Thailand? Russia? Basically this destroyed my mental health yesterday, and I sobbed in the car home. Mamoru and I argued some more but nothing was resolved. I took a shower (read sobbed into running water), and when I came out, I didn’t feel any better despite having to go to my yoga teacher’s farewell party soon. Mamoru and I continued talking until finally the real reason for my shaky mental health that day…our MC. I told him I can’t remember how long it took to emotionally get over my first MC. The situation was very different. I was very young, unmarried, and had intended to be a single mother (how I had no idea). Because I hated the father so much, it turned out to be an eventual blessing in disguise despite the fact that I wanted that baby and was prepared to raise it. This time was different. We had been trying for so long, we really wanted a baby, we grew excited and hopeful after seeing a heartbeat, and we were ready. This child was loved doubly already (which was not the case in my first pregnancy). This MC is still fresh, and although I can distract myself from feeling sad constantly, I still have that constant feeling of sadness deep in my heart. I sobbed again but this time into Mamoru’s arms and for the second time since we lost this child, he joined me in the tears. Mamoru always puts on a strong face, so on the rare occasions he does cry, it shakes me. It also makes me feel like I must be strong in that moment. I asked him why he was crying. Was it the baby? “Mostly the baby,” he said. When I asked why else he was crying he said that he didn’t know. After we comforted each other and mostly okay, he went to return the car, and I slathered on a lot of makeup which didn’t disguise the fact that I had been sobbing for more than three hours straight.
That evening I met my yoga teacher, Kotono, and bunch of really uninteresting girls. She wanted to do some things that reminded her of this city before heading back to the US but didn’t plan ahead very well, and the main reason I went was sold out. Moreover at dinner when the bill came, she said everyone should pay ¥1000 even though I ate significantly less than everyone else (not having an appetite). When I tried to get change one of the uninteresting girls chirped up “Oh did you need change?” I told her that I ate much less than everyone else and she finally gave me the change. Fun all around. I bailed early and walked down the 商店街 where I stopped at ABC Mart to buy a pair of shoes. I didn’t plan this, of course, but I had had such a shitty day, I wanted to feel a little better. Plus, I had been coveting these shoes for a while. After being being treated like I tourist, I angrily marched off in my new shoes and instead of taking the train decided to walk home which took about an hour.
I came home, showered, and climbed into bed. Mamoru followed, and I cried for the probably 100th time that night. We fell asleep, exhausted and emotionally spent on tear stained pillows.
I am sorry but I cannot remember how to process a MC. I do not know how to stop the pain. I can only trudge though life, offer my mind distractions, and do the best I can. Like anything mental health related some days are better than others. Saturday was not one of those good days. I told Mamoru most of all that I miss being happy. I miss the joy and excitement we felt planning our lives around the coming baby. How do we get back to happy when that’s suddenly ripped from us without warning? I wish I knew. I feel like F. Scott Fitzgerald’s last lines of Gatsby can apply here: “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” We try to move forward as much as we can, but sometimes the current pulls us back.