On Sunday I had plans to meet a friend for lunch. I woke up hungover from crying and sore from yoga. Mamoru and I chatted over breakfast, and I convinced him to come with me. Miraculous because he never wants to meet my friends. Also, it was Pokémon Go Community Day, and I wanted to play with him after lunch. It turns out that this particular friend was adopted, so I wanted to ask her some questions about her adoption. Truthfully, I don’t know anyone else who was adopted, and if I do they’ve never told me so. She said her mom had had MCs prior to adopting and a family friend had told her parents about his granddaughter who was 16 and pregnant and didn’t want to keep the baby. She said she grew up knowing she was adopted since she was young (maybe 6 or 7) and she said that because her parents were always honest with her, she never had any ill feelings or hurt about being adopted. She also said something that one of the fathers at one of our seminars said. She said that she looks like her parents. I think that’s funny how life works that way. Maybe my children will never look quite like me but they may come to resemble me and that’s enough. All in all she had nothing but positive things to say about her adoption. It was nice to hear.
After that we played some Pokémon, did a little shopping (Mamoru bought a sweater and we bought tissues and vacuum bags), and then rode our bikes home. Once home we planned to watch Annihilation on Netflix (and can I just say WTF was that). Before the movie I checked the online NPO. Okay, I guess I should let the cat out of the bag here since it doesn’t matter any more anyway. The reason we received a home visit is because we were chosen by a birth mother. Now before you get too excited (or angry) I still don’t know how many couples a birth mother can choose, but the lady from the agency told us this particular birth mother chose 4. (That’s a 25% chance, 20% if we count the birth mother.) Hopeful and over the moon to be chosen so quickly, we did the only thing we could. We waited. And waited. And waited. Usually listings on the NPO close so quickly, but this one remained open. Because of what the birth mother’s profile said, I had a sinking suspicion that she didn’t want to give the baby up and was trying to find a way to keep him. When I checked the NPO on Sunday after coming back from lunch, the listing was closed. However, when a listing closes and we’re not chosen, we receive a notification. There was none. Nor was there a phone call saying she’d chosen us. There was just nothing. Radio silence. I asked Mamoru to email the NPO. After the (WTF) film was over, they had already gotten back to us. The NPO themselves closed the listing after the birth father’s family got involved and the birth mother’s circumstances changed. That’s all they told us. I interpreted this to mean that the birth father’s family will help them keep the baby. Maybe that’s best for the baby, but it crushed me. I feel foolish. Why did I think that this would work easily for us? Nothing else has. Why did I think this would be quick? Nothing else has been. Since joining this online NPO, we’ve applied to adopt 10 children (not all of them have been babies). We’ve received a home visit and been chosen by a birth mother only once, but we’ve never received a child. I think this NPO will be the fastest for us, but Mamoru thinks another one will be. Also, since the law takes effect in April, I think we have a good chance with this online NPO as the birth mother chooses who takes the baby with no influence from the NPO (which means they don’t force her to choose only Japanese couples like certain other NPOs). The lady who came to do our home visit seemed hopeful too as she said to us that some couples on the site have never been chosen even once by a birth mother and have been waiting longer than us. I mean yay? But we still don’t have a baby. It seems like my luck is only powerful enough to travel part way through things. I can get pregnant. I can’t give birth. We get chosen. We don’t receive a baby. This partial luck is bullshit. I’m not a fan of it. I want the kind of luck others have. The kind to win the jackpot. Only our jackpot isn’t money. It’s a family. I still feel sad about how this turned out. But what can we do? Nothing. We can only wait. And wait. And wait.
I’m already tired of waiting.