Life · Mental Health

Memories…

Yesterday was pretty chill.  Mamoru and I played some Pokémon, had lunch, and then came back home to relax and do laundry.  I went to the bedroom to read since I’m engrossed with The Girl with All the Gifts, and Mamoru set to watching “American Horror Story: Hotel”.  Some time during the TV show he fell asleep, and I didn’t really notice since I was reading.  About that time Eiru called me.  It was incredibly early in the morning in that particular part of the US, and I asked why he was up.  He was confused, but I soon realized he just hadn’t been to bed yet.  When he called the sky behind him was a deep navy blue, and I watched with rapt fascination throughout the call as it changed from that to a deep dark blue, to dark blue, to blue, to the blue of the daytime sky.  It was only after I thought about this that I realized that because he called at such an odd hour, I was blessed with witnessing the sun rise in my hometown.  It was so beautiful.

As per usual, Eiru and I talked about books, movies, Greek mythology (random but not really), and music.  One thing that particularly shook me was when he talked about Phillip K. Dick (perhaps you know him as author of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, the novel that became Blade Runner on the big screen).  I didn’t know this but as Eiru explained, Dick had a twin sister who died six weeks after their birth.  This wrecked the writer, and he spent the rest of his life wondering if she ever really existed or if his twin sister was just a product of his imagination.  He questioned the legitimacy of his memories throughout his lifetime.  Why did this disrupt me so?  Perhaps, you’re wondering.  Hey I dunno; maybe you’re not.  Sometimes I have this feeling.  That my memories aren’t real.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Is this a product of poor mental health?  It’s especially troubling when people disappear completely from my life and bare no connection to me other than directly.  Like Demande.  Did I just imagine our friendship?  But Kotono and Kunzite met him once.  I suppose it must be real.  Gurio disappeared too but I probably could contact him if I wanted.  And Gurio met Rei and Shingo, so he must be real.  Yuichiro disappeared and then reappeared, and plus my coworkers know him too.  So I’m sure he’s real.  However, the most troubling of all would be Eiru.  He disappeared and reappeared many times in my life, but as many times as I met his other friends, he never met any of mine.  We do have a couple of mutual friend connections from dudes who know him and went to my high school.  (Eiru didn’t go to my high school, and I can’t remember how he knows these guys.)  I whined to Eiru that I love my memories, and I don’t want the things I remember to be not real.  I suppose that all my memories are real, but I can’t help but question them sometimes like I don’t trust my brain enough.  I can’t be the only one who does this, can I?

Your thoughts?

3 thoughts on “Memories…

  1. Memories are definitely weird. I have things I thought were memories, only to find no one else remembered that. My childhood memories seem to be especially inaccurate.

    There are things I vividly remember as a child that no one else recalls. It’s very confusing.

    It’s very interesting your point about your friend and how no one else met him. Friends who never meet anyone else in our circle just disappear. You only have the memory.

    Memories are strange things.

    Like

  2. I loved “The Girl With All the Gifts”, and you reading it reminds me that I need to read the sequel.

    Memories are weird things. Sometimes I feel like when I remember something it’s not actually a memory of that thing but a memory of what I remembered the last time I remembered the thing, if that makes sense? I also have such realistic dreams that I’m sometimes unsure whether I’m remembering a real thing that happened or a dream I had about a thing that may or may not have actually happened (sometimes I also dream about things that actually happened, but something happens differently in the dream, like I’ll dream about a real event but people will be there who weren’t at the actual event). I think it’s normal for memories to feel unreal sometimes. I’m sure your friends are real though.

    Liked by 1 person

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