Sunday night, after midnight…
Yesterday Mamoru and I ran around a nearby old style city and impromptu headed up a mountain to view some temples untouched by tourists. It was just unbelievably beautiful.
After that Mamoru has special tickets to a jewelry show inside a temple that is generally closed to the public. The salespeople there were fans of the hard sell which makes me very uncomfortable and anxious, so I tensed up while looking at jewelry. At one point a saleslady was right up in my face, and I was so out of my element that I didn’t respond to her at all and she looked dead at me and said 「わからない」”She doesn’t understand” to which I replied (and incidentally Mamoru and our tag-along saleslady also replied) 「分かる」”I understand (bitch…subtext) though my voice was distinctly louder and also sharper. The breathtakingly rude sales lady then apologized profusely by saying “Excuse my rudeness” and “I’m sorry” which of course I understood perfectly but chose not to acknowledge. I felt like Vivian (Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman as I walked away vowing to never buy anything from her.
Of course, I had no intention of buying anything even though Mamoru would have bought me jewelry if I had asked for it. But why? I don’t wear that much jewelry anyway, and I have enough jewelry. It’s an expense we don’t need. All in all, I was more interested in looking at the temple because it’s closed to the public.
It was lovely. Shingo says I should do a photography blog. He doesn’t know about this blog. No one in the real world does (thank the PTB). I argued that I’m not really a spectacular photographer. The place is just so naturally beautiful.
Today, was a somewhat low key day. This morning I cycled up to an early yoga by the river. I invited Rei to lunch. Turns out she hadn’t died but had been sick, she said. She turned me down due to having to work from home, so I went straight home after yoga. I showered and lied in bed watching らんま ½ most of the day. Mamoru is asleep on the sofa now. This is his second nap today (only waking up to have dinner with me). I anticipate he won’t be sleeping is the bed tonight as he didn’t sleep in the bed twice last week. At one point he was watching some movie on Netflix about a couple in trouble and he asked me if I was happy. I said yes because most of the time I am, I guess. I think despite being with me for five years, Mamoru still doesn’t understand my mental health.
Today I’ve been just down. I’ve been thinking about Eiru all day. What he said the day before yesterday hit me super hard. He posted a lot of videos on his FB today rife with subtext. For an outsider, they’d seem like just videos from bands he likes. Someone with a somewhat inside look into the situation can see suffering in the lyrics. Lyrics such as:
“No longer want to suffer this pain inside!”
“Being honest is no means of survival, avoid your inner-feelings like the plague.”
“I’m not an asshole, I’m just a little confused.”
“Everybody gotta push something. That’s why the envelope is where it wasn’t.”
He doesn’t want to or he can’t talk to me right now because it’s the weekend and I know he’s always with that girlfriend of his during that time. I don’t want to see him hurting, but I doubt there’s little I can do. From what I remember, Eiru is not one to seek out help from others when he struggles with something. Sometimes I feel somewhat responsible for his current hell, but I have to remind myself that their problems existed prior to me, and I cannot be the cause of them. My passive response was to post the song “All the Stars” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA from Black Panther. He probably won’t watch it but the lyrics that struck me here were: “Let’s talk about love. Is it anything and everything you hoped for? Or do the feeling haunt you? I know the feeling haunt you.” Because for as long as he’s been with this girl, I wonder if he’s really happy. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not my intention to break anyone up, but I don’t know her. She’s not my friend, but she is causing someone who is my friend a lot of anguish right now. I don’t know what will happen here, and I guess Lemony Snicket said it best: “It is impossible to know what any of us will do in the future because it is impossible to know the future at all.”
I guess that’s it for this weekend. I tried to read tonight but my mind is a jumbled mess right now, so that was a failure. I’m ready to start this week. Let’s go!