Adoption · Japan · Life · Mental Health

Mamoru, Small Lady, Eiru, Naru, Artemis, and Motoki…

Hello!  It’s that time again!  It’s time for Mamoru’s quarterly (yearly? bi-yearly? tri-yearly) A-DIVORCE-IS-EASIER-THAN-ACTUALLY-TALKING-ABOUT-OR-TRYING-TO-SOLVE-ANY-PROBLEMS talk.  Insert mega exhausted eye roll here.  We actually had a nice fun Golden Week until I said I was exhausted because his idea of travel and my idea of travel are very different.  This however is not new information to him.  I’ve mentioned this before and we usually compromise, so we can travel together harmoniously.  However, this caused a whole argument because he felt his efforts went unappreciated and “we’re not a good fit” (his words), and he complained I made too many jokes about money.  What’s more is that every time he travels to the countryside he gets this notion that he wants to quit his job and live in the country as a farmer (something he knows nothing about).  I’m a city girl through and through and could never live in the country.  I have no desire to do this, and I’ve told him as much.  He thinks I don’t love him if I wouldn’t follow him to the country (never mind I already packed up everything and left my previous city to move here).  I think he’s being ridiculous (because these are just fleeting notions), and I would never ask him to do something he flat out didn’t want to do.  He also said some pretty shitty things like he hopes we will be unsuccessful at adopting and that I would be a bad mom because I’m so emotional.  Maybe Mamoru has a terrible memory and can easily forget the things he said, but I’ll never forget them.  In the morning he was keen to apologize and get on with our lives, but I was keen to feel so emotionally defeated and exhausted from crying (and traveling with Mamoru).  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how many more of these fights I can take.  They are so mentally and emotionally draining.  One day I’m afraid that I just won’t be able to fight for him anymore, and I’ll just give up and concede to a divorce.  I think my family just loves Mamoru so much, and they’ve never seen this side of him, so they would find a way to blame this divorce on me no matter how much I told them I fought for our marriage time and again.  Also, a divorce would put me back to square one.  I have no valuable assets in Japan, I have no savings, and I depend on Mamoru to take care of the finances.  If I did agree to a divorce one day, I’d have nothing which is basically what I had when I moved to Japan (although I had money because I sold my car).  If we ever divorced, I know that this country that I love would be so ruined for me, that I’d have to leave and go back to my boring as fuck hometown.  Don’t think I haven’t thought about these things.  Sadly, I have, but I really wish that I never even had to.  I don’t know what to do.  This is completely deteriorating my mental health.  The past two days he’s been acting normal…like he never even said such horrible things, but I remain wounded.

The two days leading up to Golden Week were peaceful following Monday’s laundry feud.  However, we couldn’t get Small Lady into her normal pet hotel (at her vet) because they were full up because of Golden Week.  Mamoru made a reservation for Small Lady at a different place but when we got there I found it was half a pet store.  I am 100% anti pet store.  I’ve always been but even more so since adopting Small Lady.  That made me apprehensive and anxious about leaving her there.  It turns out that Small Lady wasn’t current on her rabies shot, and they wouldn’t take her much to my relief.  However, since we were leaving tomorrow morning, we still needed a place to lodge her for two nights.  Mamoru contacted a place near our house who after much pleading agreed to take her if we promised to update her rabies shot upon our return (which of course we did).  We are responsible pet owners even though there’s no rabies in Japan.  I was so happy to see Small Lady and held her in my lap the whole time we rode home and at her vet and smothered her in hugs and kisses.  This experience made me realize what a complete and utter wreck I’ll be when Small Lady dies (because unfortunately these perfect creatures can’t live forever and she’s getting grey hairs).  I don’t want to think about it but Small Lady is the only thing in Japan (besides my personal belongings) that actually belongs to me.  I adopted her when I still lived alone before Mamoru and I got married.  He would never argue this point.  She is 100% my dog.

The night of the Small Lady boarding fiasco, I chatted with Eiru via Messenger.  He actually made me feel better because we talked about The Expanse (the books this time) and blades (as in swords and knives).  He made me laugh despite all the tension surrounding Small Lady’s temporary housing.  However, I haven’t talked to him since (as on the weekend he’s usually grounded from chatting with me).  He’s been creeping around my Facebook liking shit.  It’s fine with me I guess.  Though I’d prefer to talk to him directly, I’ll take his existence in my world as I can get it especially considering the previous length of his absence.  Speaking of people creeping around my Facebook liking things, Motoki has been doing just that even though he won’t answer my messages.  I sometimes think about friendships and the roles people have taken in my life.  Maybe I never mentioned this before, but I became friends with Artemis when I found he liked The Dark Tower (and King in general) and he was an avid reader and movie & TV watcher.  This reminded me of Eiru (perhaps subconsciously at first because I had forgotten about Eiru’s existence for so long).  Artemis often recommended books & TV shows to me much like Eiru did.  However, Artemis was only represented a piece of Eiru.  Motoki reminded me of Eiru in that we had fantastic meaningful conversations about important things.  Again he resembled Eiru only partially.  Naru and I used to lie around and watch TV together much like Eiru and I did.  I had to find pieces of Eiru in my other friends.  There was never anyone who could entirely fill the void left by Eiru’s disappearance from my life.  I think it’s only natural that Eiru would come back into my life albeit digitally.  It’s like a mutual friend of ours once said: “Of course he remembers you; Eiru is like that.”  We are not the kind of people who forget those who impact our lives so much so that we are forever changed.

I didn’t expect that to get so sappy, but I guess I’m just teetering on the emotional precipice and depression is weighing heavy on me right now.  Many times while typing this tears welled up in my eyes.  The battles we fight, the battles of life are so fucking hard.  I often wonder how we come out alive and marvel at the tremendous strength those with depression exhibit on a daily basis.  Keep fighting my friends and as always be well.

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