Adoption · History · Japan · Life · Mental Health · Miscarriage · Music · Pregnancy

200! A recap…

Hello everyone!  WordPress sent me a notification that I’ve received 200 followers.  Holy shit!  That’s pretty damn amazing is all I can say.  From the bottom of my heart…thank you.

What better way to celebrate than to offer those new followers a quick recap.  If you’re new to this blog here’s a quick summary.

For this blog I call myself Usagi (or Princess Serenity) because my favorite anime is far and away “Sailor Moon”.  My husband, Mamoru, is a Japanese salaryman and we live in Japan with our dog, Small Lady.

I do freelance work as well as work part time at Company H.  I am highly educated and trained in my field (with more than 16 years experience), and I’m not just one of those foreigners who walked into Japan and got a job teaching English because it’s my native language (yes that’s a thing here).  I like to garden, sew, draw, watch TV and movies, and read like a motherfucker.  I’m a nerdy girl who likes things that mainstream chicks don’t dig like science fiction, obscure anime, comics, and a handful of other dorky things.  In my early 20s I was diagnosed with clinical depression and medicated, but the medicine made me sick.  I dropped down to a smaller dose and eventually was able to get off meds completely.  I also have mild undiagnosed anxiety which is usually triggered.

I started this blog because in 2016 Mamoru and I started TTC.  However, it wasn’t easy and came with a slew of emotions I had no outlet for.  This blog became an outlet for those emotions as well as a place to write about my depression, the ups and downs of life in a foreign country, and the difficulties of navigating an intercultural marriage.

When I was 21 years old, I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  The father of the baby was not Mamoru but a really shitty dude.  It was a blessing in disguise as I could be free of this emotionally abusive man.  In 2012, I moved to Japan.  In 2015, Mamoru and I married.  In 2016, I had another miscarriage (this time deemed a chemical pregnancy as it was barely 4 weeks into the pregnancy).  We moved to a new city in Fall 2016, and I left everything behind.  I suffered horrible depression as I had no friends, no job, and my husband was never home.  I was diagnosed with PCOS in December 2016.  We put TTC on hold, and I worked on my recovery.  I started yoga, I made some new friends, I got a job, and I got heavily into the music scene in my new city.  I lost 22kg (or 48lbs).  Over time I recovered both physically and mentally and after more time passed Mamoru and I became happy again.  We decided to pursue a local adoption instead of trying to have our own child.  We started the process in November 2017.  In January 2018, I found out I was pregnant.  I called this our miracle baby.  At first, things went well with the pregnancy.  We saw our little girl grow, we saw a heartbeat…and then just like that we saw nothing.  No heartbeat.  Our little girl had died before she even had a chance.  I had a D&C at 12 weeks though our baby died some time around 7 weeks.

Depression hit heavy after that.  Mamoru and I fought.  We experienced a kind of unhappiness like we had never felt before.  We’ve still been focusing on adoption but things have not been easy or enjoyable for us.  I have withdrawn a lot.  I still love music but have taken a break from the scene.  I relish time spent with my best friend here, Rei and the virtual time spent with my best friends abroad, Naru and Eiru.

The road I’ve been on it not an easy one, but I suspect things for me will never be easy.  That’s okay because I have a tremendous support system, and as an adult I’ve learned to only surround myself with people who aren’t total shit.

Thank you new and old who have joined me thus far on this crazy journey I call life.  Strap in and hold on because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  Thank you for being here and as always, be well.

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