Life · Mental Health

Breaks and breaks…

We now return to this mental break already in progress.  Today was repeated slap in the face after slap in the face and I’m on my 3rd time crying today which has been preceded by immense anger and shouting at nobody and Small Lady.

I guess I can start at the beginning.  This morning as I was walking to my 3rd train (as the rain prevented me from biking) the shoulder strap broke on my less than 6 month old bad which dropped onto the wet ground.  Irritated I went to Starbucks.  At work today, the rain kept literally everyone away so the day dragged on.  What’s worse is that Rubeus promised to drop by today and didn’t.  I swear to god it’s Yuichiro all over again.  I don’t think I can handle another “friend” like that.  Speaking of Yuichiro that idiot started smoking as evidenced by his bandmate’s Instagram.  I can’t think that smoking can be all that good for his beautiful singing voice.  At Company H basically, I sat and read all day which was fine just lonely and boring.  The loneliness especially has been building and building.  I felt it was just going to bubble over today.  This happened when I said “forget it” to the third train and decided to walk to rest of the way home after work.  I was walking and walking and just couldn’t take it anymore and started crying.  Then when I got home, I came home to a huge puddle of piss on the floor courtesy of Small Lady.  See this is partly my fault as I had been leaving her out of the kennel during the day (and of course I didn’t tell Mamoru this because the clean freak in him would probably explode).  However, she hadn’t been too bad never leaving more than a minor poo mess on the floor (which I figured was much better than cleaning up the poo-splosion she leaves in the kennel).  She’s never left a quart of piss on the floor for me to clean up.  This is the part where I did the screaming crying which was the culmination of all the bad I had been feeling today finally exploding out of me.  I cleaned that up, choked down some salad for dinner and then sat in the shower for far too long trying to no avail wash my sorrows down the drain.

Then I barely had time to breathe or rest or even type this up before Mamoru said he was coming home early.  What’s more is that my shoulder (an injury I’ve had since I was 18) has been acting up.  I asked Mamoru to rub some ointment on it when he walked in, and he called me demanding.  Fuck man.  I’m in incredible pain.  Excuse me for telling him where to put the ointment.  I’m so annoyed with him.  It’s not even funny.  He hardly ever asks about my day.  He didn’t tonight.  He is sparse with the kisses and even sparser with the hugs.  And sex?  Well that doesn’t even exist.  It feels like we’re fucking roommates.  Except I’ve had more intimate exchanges with roommates I wasn’t romantically involved with.  I feel so unwanted, unneeded, and unloved.  I feel so fucking lonely.  Like there’s a big hole in my soul.  I read this thing on Facebook about hugs.  It said “A famous quote by psychotherapist Virginia Satir goes, ‘We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.'”  If that’s the case, I’m not even surviving.  I’m barely alive, and I’m definitely not growing.  In hug measurements I may as well be dead.

All of the above are the reasons my mental health has fared poorly today.  I’m so mentally exhausted that it’s not even funny.  I need a break from my mental break, but I don’t know how to fix this.

6 thoughts on “Breaks and breaks…

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