Life · Mental Health

“Don’t be afraid. Bad dreams are only dreams.”

I’ve been drinking so I hope this comes out as coherently as I planned.

First of all forgive my absence yet again.  Shingo is here again, and it’s been balls to the wall every day.  Seriously, I haven’t had a second to breathe.  Every day has been something, and I’m about to lose my damn mind.  Last night I had just had it, and I shut down.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone or look at anyone or do anything.  Autopilot all the way.

So last night Shingo suggested we eat at this veggie restaurant which is a bit far away.  I obliged because I love that place, and I asked him to make sure they were open because they seem to be closed all the fucking time.  He swore they were, and I trekked all the way there (in the rain no less) only to find they were closed.  Shingo was standing outside waiting to break the bad news.  I (more than once) expressed my disappointment, and he attempted to rectify the situation by suggesting a nearby Indian restaurant.  We walked over there but the place looked like a dump.  Even though I love Indian food, I am quite particular about it, so I suggested a Mexican place in my favorite area.  Turns out they were full so having zero energy, I said we should wait until a table opened up.  Ten minutes later we were in and ate at after 8PM which is ungodly for me as I usually eat around 6PM all things considered.  So you can see why back home, I wanted everyone (Mamoru included) to fuck off.

Last weekend was jam packed with karaoke as per usual, the beach on Saturday, and yoga and Costco on Sunday.  On Monday Haruka rolled into my city as she’s planning on leaving Japan soon, so we had dinner and drinks.  That about brings you up to speed.

Meanwhile, I’ve, of course, been working at the less busy Company H office and we’ve been anything but not busy.  Every day I’m run ragged, and my mental health is suffering.  So much so that Mamoru asked if I was okay this morning.  I told him I was just exhausted, and I didn’t mention I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Today I had a freelance meeting and then off to Company H (again in the rain like fuck you rainy season) where we were swamped like we’ve been every single day the past two weeks.  I just need a minute to breathe, and I’ve not had even that.

What’s worse is that I’ve been sleeping horribly.  Last night I had another (in a long line of many) nightmares, and this time in the nightmare I was preggo.  This shouldn’t seem like a nightmare, but I was plagued with the (always always) ever present fear that I would lose this imaginary baby too like all the others.  When I woke up, I felt a rush of relief and a general feeling of “I never ever want to be pregnant again.”  I was so terrified in the dream you guys.  I felt crippled.  It was the worst.  No one should have to feel that way about being pregnant.  No one.  This led to another feeling of relief that Shingo is here during my fertile window which means “No time for love Dr. Jones.”  Not that Mamoru would touch me anyway.  Because he barely does these days anymore like I’m made of crystal.  Moreover, I noticed last night that when I said 「ただいま」(essentially “I’m home”), Mamoru’s response was a flat unemotional “hello”, but when Shingo greeted Mamoru, Mamoru gave him a very cheerful “hi”.  I called him on this bullshit even though Mamoru does that to me all the time.  When he comes home, I get up and greet him with kisses and questions about his day.  If Mamoru comes home before me, he greets me with a flat “hi” or “hello” called out from the other room.  He rarely comes to the door and almost never kisses me.  It sucks.  It’s a shitty feeling.

I.  NEED.  A.  GODDAMN.  BREAK.  Tonight I came home, cleaned up Small Lady’s (thankfully) small mess, made myself a salad, and sat there in just my underwear watching “Kimmy Schmidt” completely vegged out.  Shingo isn’t here.  Mamoru isn’t here.  Small Lady is lounging on her bean bag, and me, well, I can finally breathe.  I’m listening to the rain, a little tipsy, and praying it’ll stop so I can ride my bike to Company H tomorrow.  It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for now.  I hope you’re doing better than I am.  Be well.

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