My cousin messaged me today to express her concern about the earthquake. Within that message was her telling me that she was pregnant and that she knows we had been trying and that she hopes the news wasn’t too hard to hear. See in 2016 when our fertility troubles had just started (that was when I had an early MC and a really long as fuck cycle), I went to visit my cousin in Seattle. Over donuts once morning I word vomited everything all over her. How we had been trying, how we lost a baby (and I had lost one when I was 21), how my current cycle never seemed to end. This particular cousin and I used to be really close, but even though I still love her more than the others, time and distance has caused us to drift a bit. Her news today was unexpected and a bit difficult to receive. Of all my family members she’s the one I compared my situation the most to. She got pregnant with her first when she was 38. I held on to so much hope that that could be me also. Now she’s 42 and 14 weeks pregnant with her second child, but I’m almost 39 and have no children of my own and 3 miscarriages under my belt as well as one retracted adoption. I’m not gonna lie. It fucking sucks. Are the PTB telling me I’d be a shit mother? Shingo (my sort of but not really adopted son) seems to think I’d be a great mom. Do I not deserve my own children? Am I too selfish? Why are the PTB being such assholes about this? What’s more is that when I told Mamoru about it, he asked why I was sad. I only looked at him with daggers and said “really?!?!” about 5 times.
I don’t know where this post was going. I just needed to vent a bit. I’m on my fucking period, and I’m a little buzzed at the moment. Yuichiro has a new band since his old one broke up, so at least there is music to look forward to tomorrow. I’m tired. I’m tired of everyone else getting their babies. I’m tired of everything lately.