Adoption · Japan · Life · Mental Health

On being sick…

So recently I found out that Yuichiro joined a new band after his previous band was well disbanded.  When he came in to Company H on Wednesday, I asked him about his new band with his former bassist.  Apparently, I had been mistaken and his bassist is in two bands (like practically everyone is here) but the band that was playing on Wednesday was not Yuichiro’s.  Regardless, I know the bassist and as it turns out I know the singer/rapper/MC, so I decided to ask Ryo if he wanted to come along.  The venue was a small one I had been in before and since practically everyone was smoking it got smoky real quick.  One Tuesday, I woke up with a sore throat, but it didn’t worsen.  However, it was still hanging around on Wednesday (but got no worse throughout the work day).  At the show there were two acoustic sets.  The first one was okay, but the second one was spectacular, and then my friends played, and it was so awesome.  Unfortunately, while they were playing the room started to close in on me, and I went white.  At first, I sat down, but soon after, I ran to the bathroom fearing I was gonna vomit or pass out.  Fortunately, neither happened.  Soon after that I decided I had to get out of that smoky confined place and breathe some fresh air.  The good thing was that because it was raining hard that day I didn’t bike, so I took the train home.  The bad thing was I had to stand for a couple stops, and I felt like I was about to pass out.

Once home, I told Mamoru what happened.  Because he misunderstood the situation, he became unnecessarily angry and decided to ignore me.  After I showered, I went to make a cup of tea, and instead of ginger put Japanese spicy mustard in it (to be fair the bottles look similar).  I just broke down and started yelling at him.  He said it was my fault and had no sympathy for me because I was out partying.  Even though I told him what happened (I got sick at the show and left immediately after).  He thought I was sick, and I was partying in spite of the sickness.  I tried to explain to him again that I had left as soon as I got sick, but he wasn’t hearing it and said that he doesn’t have to care about me because I receive many benefits from being his wife (such as insurance, money, a nice house, and permanent residency).  I’m sorry what now?  It’s materialistically beneficial for me to be married to Mamoru, so he doesn’t have to give a shit about me.  Is that right?  Then before going to sleep on the sofa, he sent me this long e-mail whining about how all he does is work, and I don’t do anything but party, and he wants to run away from his life.  He also said he’s afraid I am too selfish and wouldn’t be a good mother.  I didn’t even respond to it.

The next day (Thursday) I went to Company H, and even though I could barely speak, attended 3 meetings making the clients do most of the talking.  I cancelled all my freelance work and went home to try not to die.  That evening Mamoru came home and apologized for being a dick.  I explained to him in a voice that could barely speak that most nights I am at home.  On Friday I WORK at karaoke greeting people, taking money, and handing out shots.  I can’t get blasted.  I have to work.  I barely get to speak to Rei or Ryo since I’m so busy.  He said he’s scared about being a parent.  I explained who isn’t?  He said that once we adopt we cannot divorce (which means he won’t be able to throw divorce in my face anymore).  I think for me this is a good thing since I have never felt like divorce.  I said that he’s the kind of person who is always ready to give up if something doesn’t go perfectly, and for me that’s very very frustrating as I’m the kind of person who continues plowing through something even if it becomes difficult.  Moving to Japan was difficult, getting a Master’s was difficult, leaving my beloved first city in Japan was difficult, but I didn’t give up on any of those things.  I reminded Mamoru that I love him very much, but it’s very difficult to be married to him.  Our cultures are vastly different, he works all the time, and I am very lonely.  Being with friends is the only thing that can make me forget about the crushing loneliness and depression.  Just like music my friendships also help keep my depression from going off the charts.  I asked him if he wanted me to feel like I did when we first moved here.  He said no that he was feeling jealous.  What?  He’s able to go out whenever he likes.  He said he can’t because of work.  This is not true.  Technically he’s finished at 6PM but he stays late every night not getting paid for this overtime part of Japan’s bullshit 過労死 (death by overwork) work culture and something I definitely don’t agree with. Anyway, where children are concerned his life wouldn’t change at all.  He could continue to do everything he does day in and day out and the bulk of the child rearing would fall on to me.  So while my whole life completely changes, and I have to give up everything to raise our children, he sacrifices nothing.  I explained that I’m scared too but this doesn’t mean I want to give up.  He didn’t feel like this when I was pregnant.  Why now?  Mamoru is so hard to understand sometimes.

So today is Friday.  I cancelled my freelance work and my Japanese lesson, but I still have to go to karaoke tonight (although where’s the fun if I can barely talk).  I’m gonna try to get a nap in before tonight, so hopefully I won’t die.  I hope things are better for you.  Be well.

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3 thoughts on “On being sick…

  1. Memoru is so very Japanese in his response; but it doesn’t make it “right.” There are men who would not react that way. (Probably too much opinion here, but I found his attitude reminding me of my Japanese ex.)

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