Adoption · Life · Mental Health

A lot of sad…

It’s about three days left and then I’m out of here.  To be honest I couldn’t be happier.  Yet I’ve been fighting back tears all day to leave my niece who I love more than words.  The past two days I did a little babysitting for my sister.  In that time I played with my niece, I read to her until she fell asleep, we went shopping together, and she talked my ear off.  I had thoughts of “Is this what it would be like with my own child?”  My child who I haven’t yet met but who I am still hoping against hope is out there waiting to meet me.  I imagined holding my child and listening to her stories, buying her toys and reading her books.

I couldn’t even type that before the tears started streaming down my cheeks.  Yes, I’m going back to Japan (the country I love) to be once again with Mamoru (the man I love) and Small Lady (the dog I love).  How does life return to normalcy?  What has been my normal this past month?  Being minutes away from the silly, happy, chatty ray of sunshine that is my niece.  Popping over to my Mom’s whenever.  I feel a bit sick to think that it’s coming to an end.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to live here again.  It’s just reminded me of the family I don’t have and that I go back to a quiet, empty house.

And I’m back and then Rei leaves and not only is my house empty but so is my life as I’m left bereft of my greatest friendship, the chick who makes me laugh more than anyone ever has.  It’s just, I mean, I’m happy to go back but I can’t help but think to what?  To my absent workaholic husband?  To my own work?  Both freelance and Company H?  Where is my joy?

I don’t know where this was going.  I’m just feeling a lot of sad right now.  I hope you’re having better days.  Be well.

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